Monday, November 30, 2015
CHAPTER 2...WHY I LOVE NEWFOUNDLANDERS
A NEWFOUNDLAND LADY GOT MARRIED...HER RELATIVES DIDN'T SHOW UP...SHE GIVES A TOAST...TELLS THE GUESTS THAT DID COME THAT HER RELATIVES CAN GO FUCK THEMSELVES .
...AND THAT IS WHY I LOVE NEWFOUNDLANDERS .
...AND THAT IS WHY I LOVE NEWFOUNDLANDERS .
CHAPTER 3...TROLLS
I HAVE NEVER SEEN A TROLL...NOR A SASQUATCH...AS YOU READ THIS BOOK...REMEMBER THAT LITTLE FACT .
...BECAUSE I HAVE SEEN JUST ABOUT EVERY OTHER FUCKING THING .
...BECAUSE I HAVE SEEN JUST ABOUT EVERY OTHER FUCKING THING .
CHAPTER 4...MY FIRST DAY IN CHURCH...
MY MOTHER TOOK ME TO CHURCH WHEN I WAS FIVE...I RAN OUT THE DOOR... DOWN THE HALL...AND OUT THE FRONT DOOR AS FAST AS MY LITTLE LEGS COULD TAKE ME .
THE SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER APPARENTLY CRIED...I GOT PICKED UP BY A COP AND HE TOOK ME FOR A RIDE AND BOUGHT ME CANDY .
THE PLACE WAS FUCKING HAUNTED...( THE CHURCH , NOT THE CANDY SHOP ) .
THE SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER APPARENTLY CRIED...I GOT PICKED UP BY A COP AND HE TOOK ME FOR A RIDE AND BOUGHT ME CANDY .
THE PLACE WAS FUCKING HAUNTED...( THE CHURCH , NOT THE CANDY SHOP ) .
CHAPTER 5...SOME PEOPLE ARE BETTER AT LOVE THAN OTHERS
THE GOOD THING ABOUT YOUR FATHER GETTING DRUNK AND BREAKING SHIT OVER YOU...IS THAT SOMEBODY...SOONER OR LATER...WILL GIVE YOU A BIT OF SYMPATHY .
A BIT , THAT IS...A SMALL , INCY-TINCY BIT .
A BIT , THAT IS...A SMALL , INCY-TINCY BIT .
CHAPTER 6...SEXUAL PURITY
ONE OF THE FIRST THINGS THAT I DISCERNED ABOUT CHURCH WAS...(A)...HOW "SEXUALLY PURE" THEY SUGGESTED RATHER STRONGLY THEY WERE...AND...( B )...HOW OVERLY CONCERNED THEY WERE ABOUT WHAT I DID WITH MY PRIVATE PARTS .
NOW HERE IS THE SHIT , MOTHER FUCKER...YOU SIMPLY CANNOT BE "SEXUALLY PURE" AND CONSUMED WITH THE SEXUAL IDENTITY OF SOMEONE YOU MAY OR MAY NOT KNOW...IT JUST DON'T WORK .
AND FOR THE RECORD...ANYONE WHO STANDS IN FRONT OF A CROWED AND BRAGS ABOUT THEIR SEXUAL RIGHTEOUSNESS...AIN'T !!!
NOW HERE IS THE SHIT , MOTHER FUCKER...YOU SIMPLY CANNOT BE "SEXUALLY PURE" AND CONSUMED WITH THE SEXUAL IDENTITY OF SOMEONE YOU MAY OR MAY NOT KNOW...IT JUST DON'T WORK .
AND FOR THE RECORD...ANYONE WHO STANDS IN FRONT OF A CROWED AND BRAGS ABOUT THEIR SEXUAL RIGHTEOUSNESS...AIN'T !!!
CHAPTER 7...PIXIES
I HAVE NOT SEEN ONE OF THOSE , EITHER .
DID YOU KNOW ICELAND HAS DESIGNATED AREAS FOR TROLLS TO FUCK AROUND IN ???
DID YOU KNOW ICELAND HAS DESIGNATED AREAS FOR TROLLS TO FUCK AROUND IN ???
CHAPTER 8...THIS BOOK HAS VERY LITTLE TO DO WITH "THE BEATLES"
DON'T YOU THINK IT IS WEIRD THAT THE GREATEST GROUP OF ALL TIME...HAS THE WHITTYEST NAME OF ALL TIME ??? WHAT ARE THE ODDS ??? AND JOHN AND PAUL PRACTICALLY LIVED NEXT DOOR TO EACH OTHER...COINCIDENCE ???
THERE IS SHIT LIKE THIS GOING ON PERPETUALLY...AND ALMOST WITHOUT EXCEPTION...IT GOES IGNORED .
WE DON'T SEE BECAUSE WE DON'T LOOK .
THERE IS SHIT LIKE THIS GOING ON PERPETUALLY...AND ALMOST WITHOUT EXCEPTION...IT GOES IGNORED .
WE DON'T SEE BECAUSE WE DON'T LOOK .
CHAPTER 9...DON'T PLAY WITH MY HEART
THEY SAY...EVERYTHING INTERSECTS EVERYTHING AT EVERY SPOT IN THE UNIVERSE...OR...IN OTHER WORDS...EVERYTHING IS INTERCONNECTED .
IF THIS BE SO...THEN THE MOMENT YOU FUCK UP ONE HUMAN BEING...YOU FUCK UP EVERYTHING TO ONE EXTENT OR ANOTHER .
BE CAREFUL !!!
IF THIS BE SO...THEN THE MOMENT YOU FUCK UP ONE HUMAN BEING...YOU FUCK UP EVERYTHING TO ONE EXTENT OR ANOTHER .
BE CAREFUL !!!
CHAPTER 10...SASQUATCH INTERLUDE
AFTER A LONG AND HORNY SASQUATCH HUNT...WHERE WE DEBATED ENDLESSLY OVER WHO HAD THE BETTER TITS...THE YETI...OR , OUR HERO , THE SASQUATCH... WE JOURNEYED BACK TO THE LODGE...FOR A CUP OF JAVA AND A FEW GALLONS OF BEER...AND HOTDOGS .
HERE IS WHAT HAPPENED : SOME KID ASKED ME HOW THE SQUATCH HUNT WENT...AND ME...FULL OF PISS AND OTHER SUCH SUBSTANCES...STOOD IN FRONT OF THE TELE AND ACTED OUT HOW I WOULD BE LOOKING ONE DIRECTION AND THE LITTLE HAIRY MONKEY PRICK WOULD BE LOOKING IN THE OTHER...EVADING ME BY INCHES...NOW HERE IS THE SHIT...UNKNOWN TO ME...THERE WAS THIS MAN IN A SUIT ACTING OUT WHAT I WAS DIRECTLY DESCRIBING TO MY LITTLE HOARD OF COMRADES THAT HAD SPILLED OUT ACROSS THE ROOM .
DARE I SAY IT...IT WAS ALMOST AS GOOD AS BALLING A REAL LIVE SASQUATCH .
HERE IS WHAT HAPPENED : SOME KID ASKED ME HOW THE SQUATCH HUNT WENT...AND ME...FULL OF PISS AND OTHER SUCH SUBSTANCES...STOOD IN FRONT OF THE TELE AND ACTED OUT HOW I WOULD BE LOOKING ONE DIRECTION AND THE LITTLE HAIRY MONKEY PRICK WOULD BE LOOKING IN THE OTHER...EVADING ME BY INCHES...NOW HERE IS THE SHIT...UNKNOWN TO ME...THERE WAS THIS MAN IN A SUIT ACTING OUT WHAT I WAS DIRECTLY DESCRIBING TO MY LITTLE HOARD OF COMRADES THAT HAD SPILLED OUT ACROSS THE ROOM .
DARE I SAY IT...IT WAS ALMOST AS GOOD AS BALLING A REAL LIVE SASQUATCH .
CHAPTER 11...I AM A HERO
IT WOULD ONLY TAKE NINE AND A HALF YEARS...BUT EVENTUALLY I WOULD BE A "HERO"...SEE , THESE THREE GHETTO LOOKING GUYS WERE BEATING UP THE ALDERMAN'S SON...( WHO WAS AN ALDERWOMAN , ACTUALLY )...ANYWAY , MAKING A LONG STORY SHORT...I FUCKED THEM UP PRETTY BADLY...AND I GOT A STANDING OVATION IN CLASS THE NEXT DAY .
CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT IT WOULD HAVE BEEN LIKE IF I HAD KILLED THEM ??? FLOWERS AND A BLOW JOB ???
CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT IT WOULD HAVE BEEN LIKE IF I HAD KILLED THEM ??? FLOWERS AND A BLOW JOB ???
CHAPTER 12...ME AND MY MONKEY
BACK TO PRIMARY...I STEAL A PLASTIC MONKEY AND ALMOST GET CAUGHT .
THREE INCH PLASTIC MONKEYS ARE MORE NOTICEABLE THAN I THOUGHT .
TEACHER LOOKS THE OTHER WAY .
THREE INCH PLASTIC MONKEYS ARE MORE NOTICEABLE THAN I THOUGHT .
TEACHER LOOKS THE OTHER WAY .
CHAPTER 13...FREE LOVE
THE FIRST SUMMER OF MY EDUCATION...WAS COMMONLY REFERRED TO AS..." THE SUMMER OF LOVE "...WHICH GAVE ME THE IDEA FOR A T-SHIRT..."SUCK MY FREE LOVE " .
CHAPTER 14...SUMMER OF LOVE
MY PARENTS HAD NO BEATLES ALBUMS...OUR CAT DIDN'T EVEN HAVE FLEAS...I SAW A FLOCK OF HIPPIES ONCE THOUGH...I FORGET WHAT MY FATHER SAID ABOUT THEM...BUT I REMEMBER IT SCARING THE CRAP OUT OF ME .
CHAPTER 15...MEET THE NEIGHBORS
OUR NEIGHBOR WAS A DRUG ADDICT...HE PARKED HIS CAR ON MY LAWN ONCE...MY FATHER THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY .
THE THING ABOUT SELF DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR...IS THAT IT IS SELF DESTRUCTIVE...STRANGE HOW MANY PEOPLE DON'T GET THAT .
OUR OTHER NEIGHBOR HAD A RETARDED DOG...AND SO WERE THEY .
THE DRUG ADDICT WITH THE CAR ON OUR LAWN...WAS BY FAR THE BETTER DEAL .
THE THING ABOUT SELF DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR...IS THAT IT IS SELF DESTRUCTIVE...STRANGE HOW MANY PEOPLE DON'T GET THAT .
OUR OTHER NEIGHBOR HAD A RETARDED DOG...AND SO WERE THEY .
THE DRUG ADDICT WITH THE CAR ON OUR LAWN...WAS BY FAR THE BETTER DEAL .
CHAPTER 16...MORE ON TROLLS
IT HAS BEEN 24 HOURS SINCE I STARTED WRITING THIS BOOK...AND STILL NO TROLLS .
I FEEL LIKE JETHRO BODIEN WHEN HE WENT DRAGON SLAYING...NO FUCKING LUCK AT ALL .
I FEEL LIKE JETHRO BODIEN WHEN HE WENT DRAGON SLAYING...NO FUCKING LUCK AT ALL .
CHAPTER 17...THE DEER HUNTER
MY FATHER WOULD TAKE ME HUNTING...I USED TO THINK HE WOULD SHOOT ME AND LEAVE ME THERE...TRUTH BE KNOWN , HOWEVER...HE BEHAVED VERY WELL ON OUR EXCURSIONS...YOU KNOW...BESIDES GETTING DRUNK AND OBLITERATING SMALL ANIMALS...SHIT LIKE THAT .
CHAPTER 18...DOWN ON THE FARM
WE GOT STUCK IN THE MUD ON ONE OF OUR HUNTING TRIPS...THE FARMERS TOOK US IN AND FED US AND WE WATCHED GRAND PRIX WRESTLING...( A.K.A..."THE BEAST ") .
THE BEST THING ABOUT BEING AN ABUSED CHILD...IS YOU REALLY FUCKING APPRECIATE THOSE CALM MOMENTS WITHOUT ANY SHIT GOING DOWN .
THE BEST THING ABOUT BEING AN ABUSED CHILD...IS YOU REALLY FUCKING APPRECIATE THOSE CALM MOMENTS WITHOUT ANY SHIT GOING DOWN .
CHAPTER 19...LACK OF LOVE
THE WORLD IS SUFFERING BECAUSE OF A LACK OF LOVE...REMOVE THAT ISSUE AND ALL OTHER PROBLEMS WILL FALL LIKE A HOUSE OF CARDS .
GRANDMA WAS WONDERFUL...SHE LIVED IN THE COUNTRY AND IF SHE HAD NOT BEEN AFRAID OF HIGHTS...PROBABLY WOULD HAVE BEEN PROMOTED TO ANGEL .
I LOOKED UPON HER FUNERAL AS GOD GETTING HER OUT OF A REALLY FUCKED UP SITUATION...I AM SURE SHE DID TOO .
GRANDMA WAS WONDERFUL...SHE LIVED IN THE COUNTRY AND IF SHE HAD NOT BEEN AFRAID OF HIGHTS...PROBABLY WOULD HAVE BEEN PROMOTED TO ANGEL .
I LOOKED UPON HER FUNERAL AS GOD GETTING HER OUT OF A REALLY FUCKED UP SITUATION...I AM SURE SHE DID TOO .
CHAPTER 20...THE BEARS BALLS
I WAS FIVE YEARS OLD WHEN I STARTED SMOKING WHITE OWL CIGARS...AND 10 THE FIRST TIME I GOT DRUNK WITH GRANDPA AND MY BROTHER .
THE WORST THING ABOUT GRANDPA DRINKING WAS THAT DRINKING MADE HIS PISS POOR GUITAR PLAYING PISSER AND POORER ...IT SOUNDED LIKE SOMEONE WAS CHEWING ON A BLACK BEAR'S TESTICLES...WITH THE BEAR STILL IN THEM...WHICH , OF COURSE...SIMPLY GAVE ME ANOTHER REASON TO KEEP THE RUM COMING .
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING CIGARS , ANYWAY ???
THE WORST THING ABOUT GRANDPA DRINKING WAS THAT DRINKING MADE HIS PISS POOR GUITAR PLAYING PISSER AND POORER ...IT SOUNDED LIKE SOMEONE WAS CHEWING ON A BLACK BEAR'S TESTICLES...WITH THE BEAR STILL IN THEM...WHICH , OF COURSE...SIMPLY GAVE ME ANOTHER REASON TO KEEP THE RUM COMING .
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING CIGARS , ANYWAY ???
CHAPTER 21...PUFF THE MAGIC DRAGON...
MY FAVORITE SONG WHEN I WAS A CHILD MAY HAVE BEEN "PUFF THE MAGIC DRAGON "...MY BROTHER'S , TOO...I THOUGHT DRAGONS WERE WONDERFUL...AND MY BROTHER WANTED TO SHOOT ONE .
EVERYONE GETS ABANDONED SOONER OR LATER...THEY WERE JUST LUCKY PUFF DIDN'T SNAP AND KILL THE WHOLE FUCKING LOT OF THEM .
DON'T EVER TRADE YOUR DRAGON FOR A "ROLL IN THE HAY"...THE APOCALYPSE IS COMING AND YOU MIGHT VERY WELL NEED HIM .
AND IF YOU KEEP HIM OUT OF LOVE...BETTER STILL .
EVERYONE GETS ABANDONED SOONER OR LATER...THEY WERE JUST LUCKY PUFF DIDN'T SNAP AND KILL THE WHOLE FUCKING LOT OF THEM .
DON'T EVER TRADE YOUR DRAGON FOR A "ROLL IN THE HAY"...THE APOCALYPSE IS COMING AND YOU MIGHT VERY WELL NEED HIM .
AND IF YOU KEEP HIM OUT OF LOVE...BETTER STILL .
CHAPTER...22...GOLDFISH
THE ANSWER IS NOT "YES" OR "NO"...THE ANSWER IS..." WE WILL SEE , LITTLE GOLDFISH...WE WILL SEE " .
I ATE A GOLDFISH AT A GOLDFISH STORE BACK IN 1985...I CAME BACK THE NEXT WEEK FOR ANOTHER...AND THEY TOLD ME IT WAS FREE AS LONG AS I ATE IT SOMEWHERE ELSE .
...AND THAT IS HOW YOU HUSTLE A GOLDFISH STORE...AGAIN...GOOD INFORMATION FOR THE APOCALYPSE .
I ATE A GOLDFISH AT A GOLDFISH STORE BACK IN 1985...I CAME BACK THE NEXT WEEK FOR ANOTHER...AND THEY TOLD ME IT WAS FREE AS LONG AS I ATE IT SOMEWHERE ELSE .
...AND THAT IS HOW YOU HUSTLE A GOLDFISH STORE...AGAIN...GOOD INFORMATION FOR THE APOCALYPSE .
CHAPTER 23...THE APOCALYPSE
THE FUNNY THING ABOUT BORN AGAIN CHRISTIANS AND THE APOCALYPSE...IS THAT VIRTUALLY NON OF THEM KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THE WORD MEANS...THAT IS TO SAY...IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH CHINA INVADING RUSSIA OR ANY OF THAT SHIT .
THE TERM APOCALYPSE SIMPLY MEANS..."THE REVELATION OF ALL THINGS" .
HARD TO HIDE IN A CLOSET IF THERE AIN'T NO CLOSET TO HIDE IN .
THE TERM APOCALYPSE SIMPLY MEANS..."THE REVELATION OF ALL THINGS" .
HARD TO HIDE IN A CLOSET IF THERE AIN'T NO CLOSET TO HIDE IN .
CHAPTER 24...STEVEN W. STRANG
MY BROTHER MADE ME SMILE ONCE...HE FORGOT TO TAKE OFF HIS SKATE BLADES BEFORE HE WENT ON THE ICE...AND FELL ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE .
CHAPTER 25...MY BROTHER
AT AGE 10 MY BROTHER PROPOSITIONED THE DAUGHTER OF MY MOTHER'S BEST FRIEND...SHE , IN TURN , TOLD HER MOTHER...AND MY BROTHER WAS SENT TO WAIT IN THE CAR...I CAN'T REMEMBER...BUT I HOPE IT WAS COLD OUTSIDE .
WHEN WE GOT HOME MY MOTHER INFORMED MY FATHER OF THE EVENT...MY FATHER SAID..."WELL , DID SHE ??? "...MOM SAID...."NO"...DAD ENDED THE CONVERSATION WITH A..." WELL , THEN , WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT ??? " .
WHEN WE GOT HOME MY MOTHER INFORMED MY FATHER OF THE EVENT...MY FATHER SAID..."WELL , DID SHE ??? "...MOM SAID...."NO"...DAD ENDED THE CONVERSATION WITH A..." WELL , THEN , WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT ??? " .
CHAPTER 26...MORE ON STEVE...
I BOUGHT MY BROTHER A RECORD FOR CHRISTMAS...IT DIDN'T PLAY PROPERLY...HE WENT NUTS .
CHAPTER 27...DIVORCE
MY PARENTS WERE DIVORCED OCTOBER 31 1970...I REMEMBER IT BECAUSE ON THAT PARTICULAR NIGHT I LIT A PACKAGE OF FIRE CRACKERS AND THREW THEM INTO SOMEONE'S FRONT DOOR WAY...I YELLED..." SPECIAL DELIVERY !!! "
...IT WAS THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE .
...IT WAS THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE .
CHAPTER...28...I BELIEVE IT WAS IN B.C.
STEVE WAS HAVING A SHIT IN SOME BAR SOMEWHERE IN THIS GREAT LAND OF OURS...ANYWAY...SOMEONE WAS PEEKING AT HIM THROUGH THE CRACK IN THE DOOR...AND STEVE MUTTERED THOSE FATAL WORDS..."I HAVE SOMETHING FOR YOU"...THEN HE BROKE DOWN THE DOOR AND CHASED THE POOR BASTARD OUT OF THE WASHROOM...DOWN THE HALL AND OUT OF THE TAVERN...THE ENTIRE TIME...HAVING HIS PANTS AND UNDERWEAR PULLED DOWN BELOW HIS KNEES .
AND THIS WAS HIS IDEA OF BEING GAY FRIENDLY .
AND THIS WAS HIS IDEA OF BEING GAY FRIENDLY .
CHAPTER 29...HITLER
BOTH MY FATHER AND MY BROTHER HAD THE SAME REGRET IN LIFE...THEY DID NOT GET TO SERVE UNDER ADOLF HITLER .
CHAPTER 30...GRAND MA
THE THING I LOVED ABOUT GRAM - GRAND MA - BESIDES HER BEING PLEASANT , NON-VIOLENT AND SWEET AND KIND...WAS THAT SHE ALWAYS LEFT GIFTS ON OUR HOME MADE , MOOSE REPELLENT BEDS .
I GOT A DICK TRACY GAME ONCE...I PLAYED THE SHIT RIGHT OUT OF IT .
IT IS HARD TO BELIEVE HOW FUN PLAYING WITH DICK CAN BE .
I GOT A DICK TRACY GAME ONCE...I PLAYED THE SHIT RIGHT OUT OF IT .
IT IS HARD TO BELIEVE HOW FUN PLAYING WITH DICK CAN BE .
CHAPTER 31...GRAM DIES...
GRAM DIED THE SUMMER OF 1972...HER ALCOHOLIC BUT BENIGN HUSBAND WOULD GET DRUNK AND BURN DOWN MY LITTLE CABIN IN THE WOODS .
CHAPTER 32...MY BROTHER...A MAN OF MORAL FIBER
LET'S GO BACK TO MY BROTHER FOR A SECOND : THOUGH A RAVING SEX ADDICT...HE NEVER PUT PEANUT BUTTER ON HIS DICK AND HAD IT LICKED OFF BY A GERMAN SHEPHERD .
CHAPTER 33...THE NEW PLACE
THERE I AM AT THE NEW PLACE...THREE BLOCKS AWAY , ACTUALLY...I AM PLAYING SOCCER WITH SOME KIDS IN THEIR BACK YARD...ENTERS BIG BROTHER...HE TAKES HIS SISTER AND SCREWS HER AGAINST THE FENCE...WE WATCH...FIVE MINUTES LATER...BACK TO PLAYING SOCCER .
THE FUNNY THING ABOUT THAT HOUSE...18 YEARS LATER , I WOULD BECOME A CLERGYMAN AND MY BOSS WOULD OWN THAT PARTICULAR PIECE OF PROPERTY...IF I REMEMBER CORRECTLY...I TOLD HIM ABOUT SOME OF THE INSANITY THAT HAPPENED THERE .
THE FUNNY THING ABOUT THAT HOUSE...18 YEARS LATER , I WOULD BECOME A CLERGYMAN AND MY BOSS WOULD OWN THAT PARTICULAR PIECE OF PROPERTY...IF I REMEMBER CORRECTLY...I TOLD HIM ABOUT SOME OF THE INSANITY THAT HAPPENED THERE .
CHAPTER 34...STEVE VISITS
THE DIVORCE WAS A SIMPLE PROCEDURE...STEVE WENT WITH MY FATHER...I WENT WITH MY MOTHER .
STEVE WOULD COME OVER AND SCREW THE GIRL THAT WAS SCREWED AGAINST THE FENCE...I WOULD WATCH CARTOONS .
STEVE WOULD COME OVER AND SCREW THE GIRL THAT WAS SCREWED AGAINST THE FENCE...I WOULD WATCH CARTOONS .
CHAPTER 35...THE GIRL THAT GOT SCREWED AGAINST THE FENCE
ONE OF THE THE FIRST TIMES I KNOWINGLY ENCOUNTERED EVIL WAS BEING AT THIS YOUNG LADY'S HOUSE WHEN HER FATHER CAME HOME...I SIMPLY FELT HIS PRESENCE WALKING UP THE STAIRS...AND I WOULD NEVER GO THERE AGAIN .
HER THIRD OLDEST BROTHER WOULD GO ON TO GET HIMSELF SHOT TO DEATH...DRUGS , I BELIEVE...THE REST OF THE FAMILY...DIDN'T DO AS WELL .
HER THIRD OLDEST BROTHER WOULD GO ON TO GET HIMSELF SHOT TO DEATH...DRUGS , I BELIEVE...THE REST OF THE FAMILY...DIDN'T DO AS WELL .
CHAPTER 36...SCREWING CELEBRITIES AND DRINKING VODKA
MY BROTHER'S CLAIM TO FAME WAS SCREWING ONE OF THE MOST FAMOUS CANADIANS OF ALL TIME...THIS , HOWEVER...PROBABLY NEVER HAPPENED .
HIS OTHER LANDMARK ACTIVITY...WOULD BE STEALING MY MOTHERS VODKA AND REPLACING IT WITH WATER...AND THIS ONE...I CAN FEEL QUITE ASSURED DID ACTUALLY TAKE PLACE .
HIS OTHER LANDMARK ACTIVITY...WOULD BE STEALING MY MOTHERS VODKA AND REPLACING IT WITH WATER...AND THIS ONE...I CAN FEEL QUITE ASSURED DID ACTUALLY TAKE PLACE .
CHAPTER 37...PLAY WITH ME
WHEN I WAS 12 , MY BROTHER SET ME UP ON MY FIRST REAL DATE...BUT SOMETHING FAR GREATER HAPPENED TO ME THE SUMMER OF 1974...IT WAS LONG AND HARD AND YOU JERKED IT AROUND...AND IF YOU GOT GOOD AT...PEOPLE WOULD LOVE TO WATCH...
...TENNIS !!!
...TENNIS !!!
CHAPTER 38...TENNIS
MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME TENNIS WHEN I WAS 12 YEARS OLD...I REMEMBER WATCHING THE WEATHER STATION...PRAYING THAT THE WIND WOULD DIE DOWN ENOUGH SO WE COULD GO AND HIT SOME BALLS .
MY MOTHER PROBABLY WON MORE TOURNAMENTS THAN ANYONE IN THE HISTORY OF NOVA SCOTIA...AND SHE DIDN'T CHEAT .
MY MOTHER PROBABLY WON MORE TOURNAMENTS THAN ANYONE IN THE HISTORY OF NOVA SCOTIA...AND SHE DIDN'T CHEAT .
CHAPTER 39...STEVE MOVES IN
THE SUMMER OF 1974 WAS QUITE EVENTFUL...I LOOKED OUT MY WINDOW ONE NIGHT AND WHO WOULD I SEE BUT MR. STEVEN STRANG SLEEPING ON A LAWN CHAIR .
STEVE RAN AWAY FROM MY FATHER AND WAS NOW TO MOVE IN WITH MY GREAT AUNT FLORIE , WHO LIVED JUST BELOW US .
WITHIN DAYS THAT LITTLE OLD BAPTIST LADY WOULD HAVE HER SPARE BEDROOM TRANSFORMED INTO A PORN SHOP .
STEVE RAN AWAY FROM MY FATHER AND WAS NOW TO MOVE IN WITH MY GREAT AUNT FLORIE , WHO LIVED JUST BELOW US .
WITHIN DAYS THAT LITTLE OLD BAPTIST LADY WOULD HAVE HER SPARE BEDROOM TRANSFORMED INTO A PORN SHOP .
CHAPTER 40...POCKET PUSSY
THE WORST THING ABOUT GROWING UP IN THE 70"S...NO POCKET PUSSY...THE BEST THING...A FAST LEFT HAND .
CHAPTER 41...STEVE AND HERBY
MY BROTHER GREW A DOPE PLANT NAMED HERBY...HE ALSO GOT 3 % IN ONE OF HIS CLASSES .
CHAPTER 42...THE DEMISE OF HERBY...
HERBY DIED AND WAS SMOKED LIKE A PENIS...THE FUNERAL WAS VERY TOUCHING .
CHAPTER 43...THE BEGINNING OF THE REST OF MY LIFE
THERE I WAS , LYING IN MY BED...SUDDENLY...RED SHAPES APPEARED UPON THE WINDOW OF THE DOOR TO THE PORCH...THEN THEY TOOK FORM...HUMAN LIKE...BUT DEFINITELY NOT HUMAN...THEY BEGAN TO HUNT EACH OTHER...THEY BEGAN TO CHOP EACH OTHER INTO PIECES...I EVENTUALLY GOT OUT OF BED...STUCK MY FACE A FOOT OR SO FROM WHERE ALL THIS SHIT WAS GOING DOWN...ONE WAVED AT ME THEN CHOPPED OFF HIS BUDDIES HEAD .
TIME TO PISS OFF .
TIME TO PISS OFF .
CHAPTER 44...EVERY WHICH WAY BUT LOOSE
AS I AM WRITING THIS...IT SEEMS TO BE COMING CLEAR TO ME THAT MY BROTHER AND I WERE HEADING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS FROM THE DAY I WAS BORN...MY BROTHER...A LIFE OF CRIME AND UNSPEAKABLE MORAL BEHAVIOR...MYSELF...A SPIRITUAL INDIVIDUAL WHO NEVER SEEMED TO CATCH ON THAT IF YOU DON'T FOLLOW THE EXPECTATIONS OF THE DRONES...THEY WILL FUCK YOU EVERY WHICH WAS BUT LOOSE .
THING IS...THERE ARE WORSE THINGS THAN DYING .
THING IS...THERE ARE WORSE THINGS THAN DYING .
CHAPTER 45...MY BROTHER AND HIS FRIEND AND THE COPS
SO MY BROTHER AND HIS BUDDIES DROVE A 67 MUSTANG UP AND OVER AND UPSIDE DOWN THROUGH A HISTORIC LANDMARK ...TUMBLING ALL THE WAY TO JAIL...OR WHEREVER ....I DON'T REMEMBER HOW MUCH SHIT THEY GOT IN FOR THAT ONE .
REGARDLESS...MY BROTHER ROBBED THE GUY WHO OWNED THE CAR AND GOT CAUGHT .
HE SAID TO ME .."I'M GONNA JUST TELL THE JUDGE THAT THEY ARE PUTTING AWAY AN INNOCENT MAN "
I HAVE ISSUES WITH THIS : FIRST OF ALL...THERE WAS NOTHING INNOCENT ABOUT MY BROTHER...SECONDLY...IF THERE WAS SOMETHING INNOCENT ABOUT HIM...HE WOULD HAVE FUCKED IT .
SUMMER OF 1975 WAS IN THE AIR .
REGARDLESS...MY BROTHER ROBBED THE GUY WHO OWNED THE CAR AND GOT CAUGHT .
HE SAID TO ME .."I'M GONNA JUST TELL THE JUDGE THAT THEY ARE PUTTING AWAY AN INNOCENT MAN "
I HAVE ISSUES WITH THIS : FIRST OF ALL...THERE WAS NOTHING INNOCENT ABOUT MY BROTHER...SECONDLY...IF THERE WAS SOMETHING INNOCENT ABOUT HIM...HE WOULD HAVE FUCKED IT .
SUMMER OF 1975 WAS IN THE AIR .
CHAPTER 46...SUMMER OF '75
WHY WAS THE SUMMER OF 1975 THE GREATEST SUMMER OF THE CENTURY ??? GOOD FUCKING QUESTION...HERE'S THE ANSWER :
1-IT WAS SUNNY ALMOST EVERY DAY...THEY EVEN HAD A CARTOON ABOUT HOW FUCKING SUNNY IT WAS IN THE PAPER .
2-MUSIC REACHED ITS PEAK...NEIL AND BOB IS NOT JUST A SEXUAL TERM , YOU KNOW...YOUNG , DYLAN , TAYLOR...JUST ABOUT EVERY GREAT ARTIST HAD A GREAT WORK ON THE SHELVES THAT SUMMER.
3-THE MOVIE , "JAWS "...CAPTIVATED AND STUNNED MOVIE GOERS TO THE POINT THAT THEY WOULD RATHER SEE THEIR GRAND MA NAKED THAN GO TO THE BEACH .
4-MY DOG KNEW HOW TO PICK WINNING LOTTERY TICKETS *.
*NOT REALLY !!!
1-IT WAS SUNNY ALMOST EVERY DAY...THEY EVEN HAD A CARTOON ABOUT HOW FUCKING SUNNY IT WAS IN THE PAPER .
2-MUSIC REACHED ITS PEAK...NEIL AND BOB IS NOT JUST A SEXUAL TERM , YOU KNOW...YOUNG , DYLAN , TAYLOR...JUST ABOUT EVERY GREAT ARTIST HAD A GREAT WORK ON THE SHELVES THAT SUMMER.
3-THE MOVIE , "JAWS "...CAPTIVATED AND STUNNED MOVIE GOERS TO THE POINT THAT THEY WOULD RATHER SEE THEIR GRAND MA NAKED THAN GO TO THE BEACH .
4-MY DOG KNEW HOW TO PICK WINNING LOTTERY TICKETS *.
*NOT REALLY !!!
CHAPTER 47...LOVE WILL KEEP US TOGETHER
MY FIRST AWAY FROM HOME TENNIS TOURNAMENT...AND THE LAST ONE I WOULD BE ON MY BEST BEHAVIOR .
AFTER A HARD DAY OF FUCKING AROUND ON THE COURTS...WE LAYED OUR SWEET LITTLE HEADS ON THE CHURCH HALL FLOOR...SUDDENLY...THE SONG OF THE SUMMER WAS ON THE RADIO...AND WE STOPPED PLAYING WITH OUR DICKS JUST LONG ENOUGH TO SING ALONG .
AFTER A HARD DAY OF FUCKING AROUND ON THE COURTS...WE LAYED OUR SWEET LITTLE HEADS ON THE CHURCH HALL FLOOR...SUDDENLY...THE SONG OF THE SUMMER WAS ON THE RADIO...AND WE STOPPED PLAYING WITH OUR DICKS JUST LONG ENOUGH TO SING ALONG .
CHAPTER 48...SHARK ATTACK
COME SEPTEMBER , I GOT UP THE BALLS TO FINALLY SEE "JAWS"...ONE THING YOU CAN SAY ABOUT THAT FUCKING SHARK...HE CERTAINLY WAS FOCUSED...I CHEWED MY POPCORN AND SUCKED BACK MY SODA POP...KILL THAT MOTHER FUCKING SHARK , BOYS !!!
Sunday, November 29, 2015
CHAPTER 49...SOMEONE SHOOT MY BROTHER A MOOSE
IT WAS IN THE FIRST PART OF THE SUMMER OF 75 , IF I REMEMBER CORRECTLY...MOM AND I WERE IN BED WAITING FOR SANTA...( IT WAS A WAY OF LEARNING PATIENCE )...AND SUDDENLY A LIGHT WENT ON IN THE KITCHEN...MOM YELLED AND I GOT MY HUNTING KNIFE AND GOT DOWN ON ALL FOURS AND BEGAN TRACKING .
EVENTUALLY I MADE MY WAY THROUGH THE STACKS OF PORN INTO MY BROTHER'S BEDROOM...I SAID..."STEVE , SOME FUCKER BROKE INTO THE HOUSE AND HE MIGHT BE STILL HERE"...HE JUST SMILED AND SAID..."GOOD"...AND LIFTED UP THE PILLOW TO REVEAL A RATHER LARGE PISTAL HE WAS SLEEPING UPON .
WE NEVER CAUGHT THE FUCKER...BUT IF WE HAD...STEVE WOULD HAVE ADDED ANOTHER HEAD ON THE WALL TO PUT NEXT TO ALL UNTIMELY DEMISED UNGULATES .
EVENTUALLY I MADE MY WAY THROUGH THE STACKS OF PORN INTO MY BROTHER'S BEDROOM...I SAID..."STEVE , SOME FUCKER BROKE INTO THE HOUSE AND HE MIGHT BE STILL HERE"...HE JUST SMILED AND SAID..."GOOD"...AND LIFTED UP THE PILLOW TO REVEAL A RATHER LARGE PISTAL HE WAS SLEEPING UPON .
WE NEVER CAUGHT THE FUCKER...BUT IF WE HAD...STEVE WOULD HAVE ADDED ANOTHER HEAD ON THE WALL TO PUT NEXT TO ALL UNTIMELY DEMISED UNGULATES .
CHAPTER 50...JR . HIGH
IN GRADES EIGHT AND NINE...I HOOKED OFF EVERY FRIDAY MORNING AND DIDN'T GET CAUGHT...(LONG STORY)...BECAME A TOP 10 PROVINCIAL TENNIS PLAYER...PISSED IN A FRIEND'S SHAMPOO BOTTLE...BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF SOME POOR KID WHO I RIPPED OFF IN A CROOKED CARD GAME...AND LIED ABOUT SCREWING SOME CAPE BRETON GIRL .
AS A FAMOUS MAN ONCE SAID..." THIS IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE " ...( THE FAMOUS MAN WAS , OF COURSE , TIM WATERLILLY MCALANTUCK ) .
AS A FAMOUS MAN ONCE SAID..." THIS IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE " ...( THE FAMOUS MAN WAS , OF COURSE , TIM WATERLILLY MCALANTUCK ) .
CHAPTER 51...THE FAST RUNNER
...SO THERE I AM , HAVING A PEE AT A DANCE AT THIS PARTICULAR CHURCH HALL...WHEN ONE OF THE YOUNG FELLOWS STRIKES UP A CASUAL CONVERSATION WITH ME...HE SAYS..."HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF SOME FUCKER NAMED STU STRANG ???" NO , I REPLY...TELL ME ABOUT HIM"...SO HE DOES...FOR THE NEXT FEW MINUTES...AT WHICH TIME I FIND IT APPROPRIATE TO INTRODUCE MYSELF...THE DUDE WAS ABOUT SIX FOOT FOUR...BUT THIS DID NOT TRANSLATE INTO ANY DESIRE STICK AROUND .
CHAPTER...52
SO I AM WALKING DOWN THE STREET...I DEVELOP A TOOTHACHE...I PRAY FOR THE PAIN TO GO AWAY...AND I FIND A TUBE OF TOOTHACHE PAIN KILLER .
JUST FOR THE RECORD...KING KONG NEVER BEAT GODZILLA IN A FIGHT...FIRST...THEY KNOCKED 50 FEET OFF OF GODZILL'S HIGHT......THEN THEY ASSUMED KING KONG WON BECAUSE GODZILLA WAS KNOCKED INTO THE FUCKING WATER AND YOU COULDN'T SEE HIS HEAD...FUCK , MAN...HE IS AMPHIBOUS...DOES THAT MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU ???
JUST FOR THE RECORD...KING KONG NEVER BEAT GODZILLA IN A FIGHT...FIRST...THEY KNOCKED 50 FEET OFF OF GODZILL'S HIGHT......THEN THEY ASSUMED KING KONG WON BECAUSE GODZILLA WAS KNOCKED INTO THE FUCKING WATER AND YOU COULDN'T SEE HIS HEAD...FUCK , MAN...HE IS AMPHIBOUS...DOES THAT MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU ???
CHAPTER 53...GOOD-BY
IT WAS FEBRUARY 1978...I WAS PISS-EYED DRUNK WITH MY BROTHER LISTENING TO STEVE MILLER..." GOLDEN GLOW" WAS THE CRAP I WAS DRINKING...I HAD ARRANGED A FIGHT AT A SCHOOL GROUND IN THE SOUTH END...500 SCREAMING TEENAGERS...THEY WERE REASONABLE KIDS...THEY EXPECTED A BLOODY NOSE OR SOMETHING...WHAT THEY GOT WAS THE FULL MEAL DEAL...AND I AIN'T TALKING ABOUT HAMBURGERS .
...DEAD SILENCE .
...DEAD SILENCE .
CHAPTER 54...FINDING LOVE
FINDING LOVE IS LIKE FINDING A NEEDLE IN A HAYSTACK...EXCEPT THE HAYSTACK IS OUT TO KILL YOU...AND SOMEONE HID THE NEEDLE ON A NEIGHBORING HOSTILE ALIEN PLANET...YET THERE IS GOD AND THERE IS LOVE .
ON MARCH 20 1978...I MADE THE BEST AND THE WORST DECISIONS IN MY LIFE...THE BEST...TO FOLLOW LOVE...THE WORST...TO BELIEVE THAT LOVE WAS HIDDEN AND CONTAINED IN A BUILDING...THAT IS TO SAY...I STARTED GOING TO CHURCH AND GETTING ME SOME GOOD OLD FASHION RELIGION .
ON MARCH 20 1978...I MADE THE BEST AND THE WORST DECISIONS IN MY LIFE...THE BEST...TO FOLLOW LOVE...THE WORST...TO BELIEVE THAT LOVE WAS HIDDEN AND CONTAINED IN A BUILDING...THAT IS TO SAY...I STARTED GOING TO CHURCH AND GETTING ME SOME GOOD OLD FASHION RELIGION .
CHAPTER 56...A BRIEF INTERLUDE
WALKING HOME...I FOUND MY INTUITION LEADING ME TO TAKE A DIRECTION THAT I VIRTUALLY NEVER TAKE...TODAY...I READ IN THE PAPER THAT THERE WAS A MUGGING ON MY REGULAR ROOT...AT THE TIME I WOULD HAVE BEEN THERE .
THE SAME THING HAPPENED WHEN I LIVED IN AUSTRALIA...A VOICE SPOKE TO ME AT THREE IN THE MORNING AND TOLD ME TO GO AND PICK UP A FRIEND AT HER PLACE OF EMPLOYMENT...NEXT DAY WE READ OF A RAPE THAT HAPPENED ON HER WALKING ROOT...AND DOING SOME GRADE THREE CALCULATIONS...( ME BEING THE BRAINS OF THE OUTFIT )... WE FIGURE OUT THAT SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN ALMOST EXACTLY AT THAT PARTICULAR SPOT .
I ALSO DRANK...WITH A FRIEND...THREE BOTTLES OF WINE... AND THE FIRST ONE WAS REFILLED BY THE TIME THE THIRD WAS EMPTY .
...BUT THAT IS ANOTHER STORY .
THE SAME THING HAPPENED WHEN I LIVED IN AUSTRALIA...A VOICE SPOKE TO ME AT THREE IN THE MORNING AND TOLD ME TO GO AND PICK UP A FRIEND AT HER PLACE OF EMPLOYMENT...NEXT DAY WE READ OF A RAPE THAT HAPPENED ON HER WALKING ROOT...AND DOING SOME GRADE THREE CALCULATIONS...( ME BEING THE BRAINS OF THE OUTFIT )... WE FIGURE OUT THAT SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN ALMOST EXACTLY AT THAT PARTICULAR SPOT .
I ALSO DRANK...WITH A FRIEND...THREE BOTTLES OF WINE... AND THE FIRST ONE WAS REFILLED BY THE TIME THE THIRD WAS EMPTY .
...BUT THAT IS ANOTHER STORY .
CHAPTER 57...WHY SOME AND NOT OTHERS ???
THE QUESTION THAT COMES TO MIND WHEN YOU GET TO THE POINT OF REALIZING THAT SOME PEOPLE ARE DIVINELY ATTENDED TO...AND OTHERS...NOT SO MUCH...IS WHY ???
WHY , INDEED...WHY ARE SOME CATS PRETTY AND SOME LOOK LIKE , WELL...SOMETHING THE CAT DRAGGED IN...WHY DO MINK FUCK AROUND ALL DAY WHILE BEAVERS WORK THEIR HOLES OFF .
WHO THE FUCK KNOWS...BUT IF YOU DON'T THINK THAT A SELECT FEW HAVE THEIR ASSES COVERED LIKE BUGS BUNNY...THEN YOU JUST AIN'T PAYING ATTENTION .
WHY , INDEED...WHY ARE SOME CATS PRETTY AND SOME LOOK LIKE , WELL...SOMETHING THE CAT DRAGGED IN...WHY DO MINK FUCK AROUND ALL DAY WHILE BEAVERS WORK THEIR HOLES OFF .
WHO THE FUCK KNOWS...BUT IF YOU DON'T THINK THAT A SELECT FEW HAVE THEIR ASSES COVERED LIKE BUGS BUNNY...THEN YOU JUST AIN'T PAYING ATTENTION .
CHAPTER 58...DIVINE INTERVENTION
THIS INDIVIDUAL GETS IN A CAR ACCIDENT...HE SHOULD HAVE DIED BUT THEY STUCK HIM BACK TOGETHER WITH BUBBLEGUM AND VOO-DOO...ONLY TO LIVE A LIFE OF MISERY AND PERPETUAL PAIN .
SEVEN YEARS TO THE DAY LATER...HE DIES IN A CAR ACCIDENT...AT THE SAME FUCKING SPOT .
POINT...WHATEVER IS HOLDING THIS UNIVERSE TOGETHER...IT IS NOT COINCIDENCE...AND THINKING THAT IT IS , MORE OR LESS...DOES NOTHING BUT PUT YOU IN A PLACE WHERE YOU ARE AS BLIND AS A BAT .
THE UNIVERSE IS MORE THAT ROCKS , GAS...AND BLIND LUCK...AND SHAME ON ANYONE WHO BELIEVES IT IS .
SEVEN YEARS TO THE DAY LATER...HE DIES IN A CAR ACCIDENT...AT THE SAME FUCKING SPOT .
POINT...WHATEVER IS HOLDING THIS UNIVERSE TOGETHER...IT IS NOT COINCIDENCE...AND THINKING THAT IT IS , MORE OR LESS...DOES NOTHING BUT PUT YOU IN A PLACE WHERE YOU ARE AS BLIND AS A BAT .
THE UNIVERSE IS MORE THAT ROCKS , GAS...AND BLIND LUCK...AND SHAME ON ANYONE WHO BELIEVES IT IS .
CHAPTER 59...JUNE / JULY 1978...CAMP KIDSTON
WHEN JESUS SAID "COME AS A CHILD "...HE WAS NOT FUCKING AROUND...THE BIGGEST DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A CHILD AND AN ADULT...IS THAT A CHILD IS ACTUALLY THERE...GIVING IS NATURAL...NOT CONTRIVED...BULLSHIT IS FOR THE FIELD...NOT THE CENTER OF ANYONE'S LIFE .
AFTER THE FIRST WEEK...I MEANDERED SLOWLY BACK TO THE CABIN TO CLEAN UP THE MESS...I LIFTED UP THE WORN OUT PIECE OF WOOL AND COTTON...AND THERE IT WAS...A WORD FROM GOD..." IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE , SET THEM FREE...IF THEY COME BACK , THEY ARE YOURS...IF THEY DON'T , THEY NEVER WERE" .
IT TOOK YEARS FOR THIS TO BECOME A PART OF ME...I OFTEN WONDER...WOULD I STILL HAVE POST TRAUMATIC STRESS IF I COULD HAVE FULLY HEEDED THOSE WORDS AT THAT TIME AND PLACE ???
AFTER THE FIRST WEEK...I MEANDERED SLOWLY BACK TO THE CABIN TO CLEAN UP THE MESS...I LIFTED UP THE WORN OUT PIECE OF WOOL AND COTTON...AND THERE IT WAS...A WORD FROM GOD..." IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE , SET THEM FREE...IF THEY COME BACK , THEY ARE YOURS...IF THEY DON'T , THEY NEVER WERE" .
IT TOOK YEARS FOR THIS TO BECOME A PART OF ME...I OFTEN WONDER...WOULD I STILL HAVE POST TRAUMATIC STRESS IF I COULD HAVE FULLY HEEDED THOSE WORDS AT THAT TIME AND PLACE ???
CHAPTER 60...PORT HAWKSBURY BLUES
IN 1977 , MY MOTHER GOT MARRIED AGAIN...AND NOT JUST MARRIED , EITHER...SHE SOMEHOW HOOKED UP WITH ONE OF THE MOST DECENT HUMANS GOD HAD EVER CREATED...I WOULD HAVE LIKED TO HAVE BEEN THERE WHEN GOD AND THE DEVIL WERE PLAYING THAT GAME OF POKER .
SO THE THREE OF US...LIKE "THE BRADY BUNCH"...( MINUS A COUPLE OF DOZEN )...MADE OUR MERRY WAY TO PORT HAWKSBURY TO PLAY A LITTLE BIT OF TENNIS.
NOTHING REALLY HAPPENED...BUT NOTHING IS THE POINT...SEE...LIFE IS NOTHING...THEN YOU START ACCUMULATING ALL SORTS OF STUFF...AS YODA PROBABLY SAID..."STUFF YOU WILL ACCUMULATE , YOU WILL "...INDEED...WHAT I AM SAYING HERE IS...BETWEEN MY SPIRITUAL AWAKENING...MY EXPERIENCE WITH THE KIDS...AND A STEP FATHER THAT NEVER ONCE FUCKED ME OVER...(OPPOSED TO MY DAD THREATENING TO KILL ME AT AGE SIX OR SO )...FOR THE FIRST TIME...I KNEW JOY .
AND , OH , YES...THOUGH OUT OF PRACTICE...I BEAT ONE OF THE TOP SENIORS IN THE COUNTRY...AND JUST LIKE MY MOM...I DIDN'T CHEAT .
SO THE THREE OF US...LIKE "THE BRADY BUNCH"...( MINUS A COUPLE OF DOZEN )...MADE OUR MERRY WAY TO PORT HAWKSBURY TO PLAY A LITTLE BIT OF TENNIS.
NOTHING REALLY HAPPENED...BUT NOTHING IS THE POINT...SEE...LIFE IS NOTHING...THEN YOU START ACCUMULATING ALL SORTS OF STUFF...AS YODA PROBABLY SAID..."STUFF YOU WILL ACCUMULATE , YOU WILL "...INDEED...WHAT I AM SAYING HERE IS...BETWEEN MY SPIRITUAL AWAKENING...MY EXPERIENCE WITH THE KIDS...AND A STEP FATHER THAT NEVER ONCE FUCKED ME OVER...(OPPOSED TO MY DAD THREATENING TO KILL ME AT AGE SIX OR SO )...FOR THE FIRST TIME...I KNEW JOY .
AND , OH , YES...THOUGH OUT OF PRACTICE...I BEAT ONE OF THE TOP SENIORS IN THE COUNTRY...AND JUST LIKE MY MOM...I DIDN'T CHEAT .
CHAPTER 61...LIFE AS AN ART FORM
LOVE IS COMPLETELY CONSISTANT...IT DOES NOT CHANGE DIRECTION...NO MATTER WHO WE ARE OR WHO WE THINK WE ARE...LOVE DOES NOT COMPROMISE FOR US...IT IS A RIVER...POINT BEING...IF GOD IS SCREWING YOU AROUND...IT IS NOT GOD .
COME SEPTEMBER 1978...LOVE HAD ME APOLOGISE TO ATLEAST A SMALL GROUP OF INDIVIDUALS .
COME SEPTEMBER 1978...LOVE HAD ME APOLOGISE TO ATLEAST A SMALL GROUP OF INDIVIDUALS .
CHAPTER 62...MAINLY KIDDING
MY FIRST GIRLFRIEND WAS KINDA A BITCH...NOT ONLY THAT BUT SHE MADE ME MISS THE LARRY HOLMES / KEN NORTON FIGHT...STUPID GRADUATION...OF ALL FUCKING NIGHTS !!! YOU KNOW , IF SHE COULDN'T HAVE MOVED HER WRIST LIKE A JET PISTON...IT WOULD HAVE BEEN A TOTAL WASTE .
THEN THERE WAS THE SECOND...SHE WAS A CLASSICAL GUITAR PLAYER...I CAME HOME FROM CAMP ONE DAY...AND SHE HAD MOVED TO ONTARIO...HER BROTHER HAD TO EXPLAIN IT TWO OR THREE TIMES...I SIMPLY WAS NOT AWARE THAT GIRLFRIENDS COULD DO THAT , LEGALLY .
(THIS BOYFRIEND THING WAS HARDER THAN IT SEEMED ON "THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY ") .
THEN THERE WAS THE SECOND...SHE WAS A CLASSICAL GUITAR PLAYER...I CAME HOME FROM CAMP ONE DAY...AND SHE HAD MOVED TO ONTARIO...HER BROTHER HAD TO EXPLAIN IT TWO OR THREE TIMES...I SIMPLY WAS NOT AWARE THAT GIRLFRIENDS COULD DO THAT , LEGALLY .
(THIS BOYFRIEND THING WAS HARDER THAN IT SEEMED ON "THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY ") .
CHAPTER 63...IN THE BEGINNING
THE SUMMER BEGAN WITH WITH A FOUR DAY CANOE TRIP ACROSS THIS WONDERFUL PROVENCE...IT RAINED FOR TWO DAYS...THEN , AS WE BROKE UPON THIS INSANELY BEAUTIFUL MASTERPIECE THAT OUR GEOGRAPHY MAPS REFERRED TO AS " SQUIRREL LAKE"...THE SUN BEGAN TO TORCH THE LANDSCAPE LIKE A DRUNKEN MESSIAH BANISHING ALL FORMS OF DISEASE AND PREMATURE EJACULATIONS , REPLACING THEM WITH LOVE .
I HAD SEEN GOD'S FACE AND LIVED . .
I HAD SEEN GOD'S FACE AND LIVED . .
CHAPTER 64...IT WAS A SUNNY DAY
JULY THIRD OR FOURTH 1979...I AM WALKING THIS BOY DOWN A PATHWAY TO A CABIN IN THE WOODS...HE PICKS UP A WILD STRAWBERRY...AND BEGINS TO LECTURE ME ON WHY IT IS SO IMPORTANT...WHY I REMEMBER THIS...I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA...ANYWAY...I WILL SPEND AN ENTIRE WEEK OF MY LIFE INVESTING IN THIS CHILD...ONLY TO FIND OUT HE IS DYING OF BLOOD CANCER MOMENTS AFTER HIS DEPARTURE.
IT WAS A SUNNY DAY...NOT A FUCKING CLOUD .
IT WAS A SUNNY DAY...NOT A FUCKING CLOUD .
CHAPTER 65...LOVE IS ???
IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE...THE RULES CHANGE...YOU LITERALLY ENTER ANOTHER UNIVERSE...I GOT PISSED ON IN A UNIVERSITY LECTURE ONCE FOR REFERRING TO MYSELF AS A DIMENSION HOPPER...BUT I AM...AND I AM NOT JUST REFERRING TO CUTE LITTLE FEELINGS , EITHER .
DO YOU WANT TO SEE INTO OTHER UNIVERSES ??? I AM A SCARED AND DEMOLISHED SOUL , MY FRIENDS...AND THAT IS THE ONLY WAY INTO ANOTHER UNIVERSE THAT I AM AWARE OF .
DO YOU WANT TO SEE INTO OTHER UNIVERSES ??? I AM A SCARED AND DEMOLISHED SOUL , MY FRIENDS...AND THAT IS THE ONLY WAY INTO ANOTHER UNIVERSE THAT I AM AWARE OF .
CHAPTER 66...EVERYONE HAS A NAME
THE YEAR IS ABOUT 2010...I SIT ON THE COUCH IN MY ABODE...I GAIZE UPON THE PICTURE ON THE WALL..."WHAT A FUCKING UGLY PICTURE" , I SAY...WITHIN TWO SECONDS IT FALLS TO THE GROUND AND BREAKS .
I KNOW WHO BROKE THE FUCKING PICTURE...HE IS A GOOD FRIEND OF MINE...THE FIRST TIME I SAW HIM...HE WAS OLDER THAN TIME...AND 12 AS WELL .
I KNOW WHO BROKE THE FUCKING PICTURE...HE IS A GOOD FRIEND OF MINE...THE FIRST TIME I SAW HIM...HE WAS OLDER THAN TIME...AND 12 AS WELL .
CHAPTER 67...DON'T PAY THE FERRYMAN
I DRIVE TO THE P.E.I. FERRY TO PICK UP SOME FRIENDS OF MINE...AS I WAIT A 12 YEAR OLD BOY APPROACHES ME...WE TALK AND HE TELLS ME ALL ABOUT HIS STRANGE LITTLE LIFE...HE TOLD ME THAT HE WAS GOING TO .P.E.I...BUT I INSTINCTIVELY KNEW HE DIDN'T HAVE A PENNY ON HIM...I SAID..."HOW ARE YOU GOING TO GET THERE ???" HE REPLIED : "MY FATHER IS DRIVING THE FERRY ".
MY GUESS IS...NO TRUER WORDS WERE EVER SPOKEN...EVEN IF THEY WERE A LIE .
( I GAVE HIM SOME MONEY , JUST IN CASE . )
MY GUESS IS...NO TRUER WORDS WERE EVER SPOKEN...EVEN IF THEY WERE A LIE .
( I GAVE HIM SOME MONEY , JUST IN CASE . )
CHAPTER 68...THERE ARE ANGELS...AND THERE ARE ANGELS
NEXT SCENE...MAY 1980...I WALK INTO MY BEDROOM AND INTUITIVELY BEGIN TO SEARCH FOR SOMETHING OR SOMEONE ...I TURN OFF THE RADIO AND PLACE IT ON A SHELF AT THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM...FOUR IN THE MORNING I AWAKE...MY RADIO IS UNDER MY PILLOW AND IS PLAYING SOME SONG ABOUT GOD KNOWS WHAT...I IMMEDIATELY SAY TO GOD THAT HE'S GOT THE WRONG SONG...IT STOPS AND ENTERS ANOTHER , CONCERNED WITH NOTHING BUT UNCONDITIONAL LOVE...AND THERE IS SOMEONE WITH ME...I IDENTIFY HIM AS AN ANGEL...HE VANISHES...BUT HIS ENERGY IS STILL THERE...I CRY AND FALL BACK ASLEEP .
I SOMEHOW GET THE SUSPICION THAT EVERYTHING IN LIFE IS TO PREPARE US FOR THE NEXT...THE PROBLEM IS...WE FUCK IT UP AND WE PERPETUALLY HAVE TO GO THROUGH THE SAME THING AGAIN AND AGAIN .
I DID NOT FUCK THIS ONE UP !!!
I SOMEHOW GET THE SUSPICION THAT EVERYTHING IN LIFE IS TO PREPARE US FOR THE NEXT...THE PROBLEM IS...WE FUCK IT UP AND WE PERPETUALLY HAVE TO GO THROUGH THE SAME THING AGAIN AND AGAIN .
I DID NOT FUCK THIS ONE UP !!!
CHAPTER 69...CANDY
I COME HOME FROM SCHOOL...CANDY , MY SPANIEL , IS NOT THERE TO GREET ME...I WALK UP THE STAIRS...FUCK...SHE DIDN'T EVEN GET IN THE GARBAGE TO GET ME BACK FOR LEAVING HER ALONE TOO LONG...SHE IS IN A CORNER OF THE ROOM...SHE CANNOT STAND UP...I CARRY HER TO THE DOGIE HOSPITAL...SHE DIES IN MY ARMS , THOUGH I AM COMPLETELY UNAWARE OF IT...I SUBMIT HER LIFELESS BODY...THEY BREAK THE NEWS TO ME AS GENTLY AS POSSIBLE .
WHY IS A DOGS LIFE SO SHORT...WHILE COUNTLESS ASSHOLES LIVE FOR 80 YEARS ???
WHY IS A DOGS LIFE SO SHORT...WHILE COUNTLESS ASSHOLES LIVE FOR 80 YEARS ???
CHAPTER 70...MY FATHER
MY FATHER WAS A WEATHERMAN...WHICH WAS IRONIC BECAUSE EVERY TIME I SAW HIM COMING WITH A BOTTLE IN HIS HAND...IT WAS ME THAT TRACKED THE STORM...AND I WAS RIGHT JUST ABOUT EVERY FUCKING TIME .
THEN THERE WAS THE TIME I WAS TO STAY WITH HIM FOR A WEEKEND .
THEN THERE WAS THE TIME I WAS TO STAY WITH HIM FOR A WEEKEND .
CHAPTER 71...A TRIP TO CAPE BRETON...
THERE ARE MANY TYPES OF ANGELS...SOMETIMES THEY COME IN THE FORM OF HUMANS...STRANDED AT MY FATHER'S APARTMENT...I CALL MY MOTHER'S BEST FRIEND...SHE PARTS THE RED SEA...TAKES A BASEBALL BAT...AND BEATS THE LIVING FUCK OUT OF THE ENTIRE EGYPTIAN ARMY .
FRAN...( WHICH IS HER GIVEN NAME )...MYSELF AND HER BOY ARE IN CAPE BRETON...PARTY TIME FOR MY SAVIOR AND HER CREW...THEY HAVE THEIR NIGHT TIME EXCURSION AND LEAVE A PLETHORA OF HALF DRANK DRINKS WITH TWO 12 YEAR OLD BOYS .
HALF PISSED...WE RUN DOWN THE HALL OF THE HOLIDAY INN IN OUR UNDERWEAR , LIGHTING OUR FARTS ON FIRE...A GOOD TIME WAS HAD BY ALL .
A BIG FUCKING CRISIS IS NARROWLY AVOIDED .
FRAN...( WHICH IS HER GIVEN NAME )...MYSELF AND HER BOY ARE IN CAPE BRETON...PARTY TIME FOR MY SAVIOR AND HER CREW...THEY HAVE THEIR NIGHT TIME EXCURSION AND LEAVE A PLETHORA OF HALF DRANK DRINKS WITH TWO 12 YEAR OLD BOYS .
HALF PISSED...WE RUN DOWN THE HALL OF THE HOLIDAY INN IN OUR UNDERWEAR , LIGHTING OUR FARTS ON FIRE...A GOOD TIME WAS HAD BY ALL .
A BIG FUCKING CRISIS IS NARROWLY AVOIDED .
CHAPTER 72...BACK TO CAMP
MY THREE SUMMERS OF EMPLOYMENT AT CAMP HAVE COME TO AN END...ALL SUMMER LONG I LUSTED AFTER MY SOON-TO-BE GIRLFRIEND'S WOODSTOCK STUFFED ANIMAL...SHE GIVES IT TO ME AS A GOING AWAY PRESENT...I STILL HAVE IT .
THE SUMMER WAS NOT AS GOOD AS THE TWO PREVIOUS SUMMERS...IN REALITY...IT ONLY TAKES ONE INDIVIDUAL TO FUCK THINGS UP...I WILL REMEMBER THIS LESSON FOR FUTURE ENDEAVORS .
I BEGIN TO CRY...95 % FOR HOW BEAUTIFUL THINGS WERE...5 % BECAUSE I CANNOT UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE SO EASILY COMPROMISE LOVE...NEXT STOP...FIRST YEAR UNIVERSITY AND AN IMAGINARY PING PONG CHAMPIONSHIP .
WHEN PEOPLE TELL YOU THAT ORIENTAL PEOPLE ARE GOOD AT PING PONG...THEY AIN'T JUST FUCKING AROUND .
THE SUMMER WAS NOT AS GOOD AS THE TWO PREVIOUS SUMMERS...IN REALITY...IT ONLY TAKES ONE INDIVIDUAL TO FUCK THINGS UP...I WILL REMEMBER THIS LESSON FOR FUTURE ENDEAVORS .
I BEGIN TO CRY...95 % FOR HOW BEAUTIFUL THINGS WERE...5 % BECAUSE I CANNOT UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE SO EASILY COMPROMISE LOVE...NEXT STOP...FIRST YEAR UNIVERSITY AND AN IMAGINARY PING PONG CHAMPIONSHIP .
WHEN PEOPLE TELL YOU THAT ORIENTAL PEOPLE ARE GOOD AT PING PONG...THEY AIN'T JUST FUCKING AROUND .
CHAPTER 73...ACADIA
DRIVING TO UNIVERSITY...MY DICK IN ONE HAND AND THE WORLD IN ANOTHER...OR SO I THOUGHT...I ARRIVE...IT IS WHAT THEY REFER TO AS "FROSH WEEK "...SOME BIG FUCKER DEMANDS I GIVE HIM 20 PUSH-UPS...I GIVE HIM 50...WITH ONE HAND , JUST TO ADD AN INTIMIDATION FACTOR...PART OF ME IS THINKING..."I AM SURE GLAD HE DIDN'T PULL THIS SHIT ON MY BROTHER...IT WOULD BE THE LAST FUCKING THING HE EVER DID" ...AFTER THE PUSH-UPS...THEY WERE VERY PLEASANT...AND THE FOOD WAS FINE .
IT WAS A SUNNY DAY...NOT A CLOUD IN THE SKY .
IT WAS A SUNNY DAY...NOT A CLOUD IN THE SKY .
CHAPTER 74...STEVE W. STRANG
THE ONLY TIME I CAN REMEMBER MY BROTHER SMILING...WAS WHEN HE WAS FUCKING SOMEONE AROUND...OR WORSE .
MY BROTHER WAS VERY POETIC...HE WROTE THIS : "STU ART LIT A FART / AND THE FART BLEW HIM APART " .
MY BROTHER WAS VERY POETIC...HE WROTE THIS : "STU ART LIT A FART / AND THE FART BLEW HIM APART " .
CHAPTER 75...JOY AND PEACE...
SOON AFTER REGISTRATION...I SIGN UP FOR THIS CHRISTIAN GROUP REFERRED TO AS : "I .V.C.F"...OR...AS WE WOULD BE KNOWN AS..." THE GOD SQUAD "...WHEN I WAS 14 YEARS OLD...I WAS ONE OF SIX TENNIS PLAYERS WHO REPRESENTED THE WAEG WALTIC TENNIS CLUB FOR THE JR. DAVIS CUP...AND WE WOULD BE KNOWN AS : " THE WAEG FAGS"...WHATEVER...I.V. WAS A LOT OF FUN...AND WE ACTUALLY WENT ON TO WIN THE JR. DAVIS CUP .
ACADIA WAS THE MOST JOY-FULLED YEAR OF MY LIFE.
ACADIA WAS THE MOST JOY-FULLED YEAR OF MY LIFE.
CHAPTER 76...WHAT I TOOK HOME FROM CAMP
BARB WAS THE BEST GIRL I EVER DATED IN MY LIFE...BESIDES BEING GENEROUS GIVING OUT WOODSTOCK STUFF ANIMALS...SHE WAS KIND...DOWN TO EARTH...FAIR...AND GET THIS...SHE WAS A TRUE LOVER .
SHE PROBABLY THINKS I FUCKED IT UP BECAUSE I AM STUPID...CAN'T ARGUE THAT...BUT THERE WAS SOMETHING FAR MORE PROFOUND GOING ON...YOU SEE...IT COULD HAVE WORKED...WE COULD HAVE DONE THE "M" THING...AND THEN I WOULD HAVE HAD TO CHANGE THE DIRECTION THAT I WAS GOING...OR DRAG ONE OF GOD'S GREATEST CREATIONS THROUGH ONE OF THE BIGGEST PILES OF RELIGIOUS BULLSHIT...THIS SIDE OF SATAN GIVING IT UP THE ASS TO ADAM WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING .
YOU WILL UNDERSTAND AS THE STORY PROGRESSES .
SHE PROBABLY THINKS I FUCKED IT UP BECAUSE I AM STUPID...CAN'T ARGUE THAT...BUT THERE WAS SOMETHING FAR MORE PROFOUND GOING ON...YOU SEE...IT COULD HAVE WORKED...WE COULD HAVE DONE THE "M" THING...AND THEN I WOULD HAVE HAD TO CHANGE THE DIRECTION THAT I WAS GOING...OR DRAG ONE OF GOD'S GREATEST CREATIONS THROUGH ONE OF THE BIGGEST PILES OF RELIGIOUS BULLSHIT...THIS SIDE OF SATAN GIVING IT UP THE ASS TO ADAM WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING .
YOU WILL UNDERSTAND AS THE STORY PROGRESSES .
CHAPTER 77...FUCK-EYES
THE BEST THING ABOUT I V. C.F. PEOPLE IS THAT THEY CAN'T STAND THE FACT THAT THEY MASTURBATE...TO MAKE IT EVEN MORE INTERESTING...MOST OF THE GUYS ARE THINKING OF OTHER GUYS...AND THE GIRLS...GOD KNOWS WHAT THE GIRLS ARE THINKING OF .
ANYWAY...ANY TIME THEY BEGIN TO ACT A LITTLE "FUCK-EYES" WITH YOU...ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS BRING OUT THE MASTURBATION AND THE HOMOSEXUAL CARDS...AND THEY WILL RUN FOR THE FUCKING HILLS .
(AND I WAS THE BEST DIVINITY COLLEGE AND / OR "PRE." DIVINITY PING PONG PLAYER ) .
ANYWAY...ANY TIME THEY BEGIN TO ACT A LITTLE "FUCK-EYES" WITH YOU...ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS BRING OUT THE MASTURBATION AND THE HOMOSEXUAL CARDS...AND THEY WILL RUN FOR THE FUCKING HILLS .
(AND I WAS THE BEST DIVINITY COLLEGE AND / OR "PRE." DIVINITY PING PONG PLAYER ) .
CHAPTER 78...SUMMER TENNIS
MOST OF MY CLASS MATES WERE FLIPPING BURGERS AND SHIT LIKE THAT FOR THE SUMMER...ME , I WAS TEACHING TENNIS FOR "THE PEPSI WILSON MINOR TENNIS LEAGUE"...IT WAS GREAT...I GOT TO GO TO JUST ABOUT ANY SCHOOL I WANTED AND PUT ON A DEMONSTRATION FOR THE KIDS...THEN MAKE A SHIT LOAD OF MONEY DOING ONE OF THE THINGS I ENJOYED MOST IN LIFE...I COULD HAVE BEEN SCREWING A GIRL RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE COURT AND WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN HAVING ANY MORE FUN .
MY FAVORITE TRICK WAS TO SERVE THE BALL WITH THE RAQUETS PROVIDED...AND SNAP THE FUCKING THING INTO TWO...THE GIRLS DIDN'T REALLY GIVE A SHIT...BUT THE BOYS WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN MORE IMPRESSED IF I FIRED A BALL AT A JET AND KNOCKED IT OUT OF THE SKY .
(JUST FOR THE RECORD , HOW I GOT THIS JOB WAS A MIRACLE...A FRIEND OF MINE , WHO I WAS HELPING TO TRAIN FOR THE CANADA GAMES - I GOT THE SHIT KICKED OUT OF ME - WAS TOLD SPECIFICALLY NOT TO APPLY ME FOR THE JOB...NEXT THING YOU KNOW...I WAS CHOSEN OVER AT LEAST ONE NATIONALLY RANKED PLAYER ).
MY FAVORITE TRICK WAS TO SERVE THE BALL WITH THE RAQUETS PROVIDED...AND SNAP THE FUCKING THING INTO TWO...THE GIRLS DIDN'T REALLY GIVE A SHIT...BUT THE BOYS WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN MORE IMPRESSED IF I FIRED A BALL AT A JET AND KNOCKED IT OUT OF THE SKY .
(JUST FOR THE RECORD , HOW I GOT THIS JOB WAS A MIRACLE...A FRIEND OF MINE , WHO I WAS HELPING TO TRAIN FOR THE CANADA GAMES - I GOT THE SHIT KICKED OUT OF ME - WAS TOLD SPECIFICALLY NOT TO APPLY ME FOR THE JOB...NEXT THING YOU KNOW...I WAS CHOSEN OVER AT LEAST ONE NATIONALLY RANKED PLAYER ).
CHAPTER...79...THE LAST DANCE
MY FATHER MOVED TO NEWFOUNDLAND IN THE SUMMER OF 1978...JUST A FEW MONTHS AFTER MY SPIRITUAL AWAKENING...AND THREE YEARS LATER HE WANTS ME TO VISIT HIM FOR THE FIRST TIME .
AS I EXIT THE PLANE...HE TAKES ONE LOOK AT ME...HE SAYS SOMETHING LIKE..."SO YOU WANT TO BE A CLERGYMAN ??? NO STRANGS HAVE EVER BEEN COCK-SUCKERS OR CLERGYMEN"...MY BROTHER WAS LESS IMPRESSED...HE GIVES ME A FUCK YOU...GETS ON HIS MOTORBIKE...AND DRIVES AWAY .
I SPEND THE WEEK BEING HARASSED...BUT I DID FIND A PATCH OF LABRADOR TEA...AND HIS WIFE , POOR SOUL...MADE FANTASTIC PIZZA .
(JUST FOR THE RECORD , I NEVER TOLD HIM THAT I WAS PURSUING ORDAINED MINISTRY) .
AS I EXIT THE PLANE...HE TAKES ONE LOOK AT ME...HE SAYS SOMETHING LIKE..."SO YOU WANT TO BE A CLERGYMAN ??? NO STRANGS HAVE EVER BEEN COCK-SUCKERS OR CLERGYMEN"...MY BROTHER WAS LESS IMPRESSED...HE GIVES ME A FUCK YOU...GETS ON HIS MOTORBIKE...AND DRIVES AWAY .
I SPEND THE WEEK BEING HARASSED...BUT I DID FIND A PATCH OF LABRADOR TEA...AND HIS WIFE , POOR SOUL...MADE FANTASTIC PIZZA .
(JUST FOR THE RECORD , I NEVER TOLD HIM THAT I WAS PURSUING ORDAINED MINISTRY) .
CHAPTER 80...1982 - 1986...AND I WAS A GENTLEMEN
SOONER OR LATER ALMOST EVERY RELATIVELY HETEROSEXUAL BOY DISCOVERS GIRLS...I JUST HAPPENED TO BE A LITTLE OLDER THAN MOST...BUT I MADE UP FOR LOST TIME .
AND LOOKING BACK AT MY EARLY 20'S...DO YOU KNOW WHAT I ENJOYED MOST ??? GOOD FUCKING QUESTION...WELL , IT WOULD HAVE BEEN LESBIANS...BUT THEY WERE MAINLY TAKEN...SO , GUESS AGAIN ??? YOU GUESSED IT...BI-SEXUALS... BIG ONES , SMALL ONES , BLACK ONES , CHUBBY ONES...I FUCKING LOVED BI-SEXUALS...THEY WERE THE GREATEST...THE BEST QUALITIES OF BOTH SEXES .
SOME DAY I WILL WRITE A BOOK..."ME AND MY BI-SEXUALS" .
AND LOOKING BACK AT MY EARLY 20'S...DO YOU KNOW WHAT I ENJOYED MOST ??? GOOD FUCKING QUESTION...WELL , IT WOULD HAVE BEEN LESBIANS...BUT THEY WERE MAINLY TAKEN...SO , GUESS AGAIN ??? YOU GUESSED IT...BI-SEXUALS... BIG ONES , SMALL ONES , BLACK ONES , CHUBBY ONES...I FUCKING LOVED BI-SEXUALS...THEY WERE THE GREATEST...THE BEST QUALITIES OF BOTH SEXES .
SOME DAY I WILL WRITE A BOOK..."ME AND MY BI-SEXUALS" .
CHAPTER 81...NOT FEELING VERY WELL
THERE I AM IN ENGLISH CLASS...I PRESENT AN INTERPRETATION OF A POEM : PHILIP LARKEN , "FAITH HEALING"...I TELL MY FELLOW "INTELLECTS" THAT I DO INDEED BELIEVE IN DIVINE HEALING...THEN I EXCUSE MYSELF , DRIVE TO THE HOSPITAL AND BEGIN THE NEXT CHAPTER OF MY LIVE : SPENDING 18 MONTHS RECOVERING FROM A-TYPICAL PNEUMONIA .
THE 1982 AND 1983 TENNIS SEASONS WERE NOT THE BEST IDEA...SO I TAUGHT AND REMAINED FAIRLY LOW KEY .
THE 1982 AND 1983 TENNIS SEASONS WERE NOT THE BEST IDEA...SO I TAUGHT AND REMAINED FAIRLY LOW KEY .
CHAPTER 82...I DON'T REMEMBER
I DON'T REMEMBER IF THIS WAS JUST BEFORE I MOVED TO AUSTRALIA...OR WHEN I WAS LIVING THERE...BUT , REMEMBER THE BOY WITH CANCER WHO I HAD MET AT CAMP ??? WELL , MAKING A LONG STORY SHOT...( I REALLY DON'T WANT TO BORE ANYONE ) THE KID WAS ABSOLUTELY FINE...THING IS...HIS BROTHER WAS NOT...HE DID HAVE CANCER AND HAD PART OF HIS FOOT REMOVED TO PROVE IT .
IT IS A WEIRD AND TWISTED UNIVERSE , SCOOBY...AND IT IS ABOUT TO GET EVEN MORE SO...MY THOERY IS AS FOLLOWS...THE MORE YOU GROW SPIRITUALLY...THE MORE THINGS AROUND YOU ADAPT AND CHANGE TO REMAIN IN SYNC WITH WHO AND WHAT YOU HAVE BECOME .
IT IS A WEIRD AND TWISTED UNIVERSE , SCOOBY...AND IT IS ABOUT TO GET EVEN MORE SO...MY THOERY IS AS FOLLOWS...THE MORE YOU GROW SPIRITUALLY...THE MORE THINGS AROUND YOU ADAPT AND CHANGE TO REMAIN IN SYNC WITH WHO AND WHAT YOU HAVE BECOME .
CHAPTER 83...EXIT S .W. S.
I AM AT THE WATERFRONT...A MAN APPROACHES ME...HE SAYS..." ARE YOU STEVEN STRANG ??? ( I DON'T EVEN LOOK LIKE HIM AND I HAD NEVER SEEN THIS FELLOW BEFORE IN MY LIFE )...I REPLY..."NO SIR , THAT'S MY BROTHER "... HE GIVES ME A SAD LOOK...HE SAYS..." YEA , STEVEN STRANG DIED IN A HUNTING ACCIDENT "...I LOOK AT HIM AGAIN...PROBABLY A BIT SUSPICIOUS THIS TIME..."NOPE , HE IS ALIVE AND WELL "...HE GIVES ME AN "UHUA" , AND WALKS AWAY .
A FEW WEEKS LATER I AM IN MY BED...FOUR O'CLOCK GIVE OR TAKE...THE PHONE RINGS...I BEGIN TO CRY...I THEN PICK UP THE PHONE...IT IS MY FATHER...BUT I ALREADY KNEW THAT...STEVEN HAD DIED IN A HUNTING ACCIDENT .
IT TOOK ABOUT A WEEK TO FIND THE BODY...I WEAR HIS ASHES AROUND MY NECK...BUT I NEVER ACTUALLY GOT TO SEE THE REMAINS .
A FEW WEEKS LATER I AM IN MY BED...FOUR O'CLOCK GIVE OR TAKE...THE PHONE RINGS...I BEGIN TO CRY...I THEN PICK UP THE PHONE...IT IS MY FATHER...BUT I ALREADY KNEW THAT...STEVEN HAD DIED IN A HUNTING ACCIDENT .
IT TOOK ABOUT A WEEK TO FIND THE BODY...I WEAR HIS ASHES AROUND MY NECK...BUT I NEVER ACTUALLY GOT TO SEE THE REMAINS .
CHAPTER 84...THE FUNERAL
I DID THE FUNERAL...AFTERWARD , WE ALL WENT TO THE MOTORBIKE CLUB AND DRANK...( TIA MARIA WAS MY LIQUID OF CHOICE BACK THEN )...THERE WAS THIS GUY IN THE CLUB...HE WAS AS BIG AS A HAIRY BALLED NORWEGIAN SABRE-TOOTH ALLIGATOR..."WHEELIE" WAS HIS NAME...MR . WHEELIE , JUST TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE...I ALSO REMEMBER SOME IDIOT SAYING HOW ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG .
MAYBE SO , BUT WHAT THE FUCK DID THAT HAVE TO DO WITH MY BROTHER ???
( OH , YES...THAT DAY I ALSO DISCOVERED THE MUSIC OF JOHN PRINE ) .
MAYBE SO , BUT WHAT THE FUCK DID THAT HAVE TO DO WITH MY BROTHER ???
( OH , YES...THAT DAY I ALSO DISCOVERED THE MUSIC OF JOHN PRINE ) .
CHAPTER 85...THE CALL..
THERE I AM...MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS...GOD SAYS..."HEY , BOY...PACK YOUR SHIT...YOU ARE GOING TO AUSTRALIA ".
TWO WEEKS LATER MY BROTHER DIES .
TWO WEEKS LATER MY BROTHER DIES .
CHAPTER 86...A FEW HINTS
I AM A HALF DECENT TENNIS PLAYER...I GET BY...BUT HERE IS THE SHIT...THE BEST SHOT I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE...I DID...AND NOT JUST ONCE...BUT TWICE...AND ON THE SAME COURT , PLAYING AGAINST THE SAME SUPERIOR TENNIS PLAYER AS WELL .
...AND YOU DON'T THING THAT IS FUCKING SUSPICIOUS ???
OH , YEA...GET THIS...YOU KNOW THAT PARTICULAR SPOT WHERE SOMEONE OR SOMETHING APPROACHED ME AND TOLD ME MY BROTHER IS GOING TO DIE IN A HUNTING ACCIDENT ??? WELL , I GO BACK THERE...I AM APPROACHED MY ANOTHER GUY ??? AND HE TELLS ME NOT TO LEAVE NOVA SCOTIA BECAUSE IT WILL BE ONE OF THE FEW SAFE PLACES IN THE WORLD .
THAT WAS ABOUT A QUARTER OF A CENTURY AGO...AND IF IT ALL WENT TO SHIT TOMORROW , I WOULD STILL HAVE TO GET A B + ON THAT ONE .
MEANWHILE , IN THE CATHOLIC CHURCH...HOMOSEXUALS ARE STILL TREATED LIKE JELLYFISH ON A PLANET WITH NO WATER .
...AND YOU DON'T THING THAT IS FUCKING SUSPICIOUS ???
OH , YEA...GET THIS...YOU KNOW THAT PARTICULAR SPOT WHERE SOMEONE OR SOMETHING APPROACHED ME AND TOLD ME MY BROTHER IS GOING TO DIE IN A HUNTING ACCIDENT ??? WELL , I GO BACK THERE...I AM APPROACHED MY ANOTHER GUY ??? AND HE TELLS ME NOT TO LEAVE NOVA SCOTIA BECAUSE IT WILL BE ONE OF THE FEW SAFE PLACES IN THE WORLD .
THAT WAS ABOUT A QUARTER OF A CENTURY AGO...AND IF IT ALL WENT TO SHIT TOMORROW , I WOULD STILL HAVE TO GET A B + ON THAT ONE .
MEANWHILE , IN THE CATHOLIC CHURCH...HOMOSEXUALS ARE STILL TREATED LIKE JELLYFISH ON A PLANET WITH NO WATER .
CHAPTER 87...KIDSTON..."CHRISTIAN" EDUCATION DIRECTOR
AFTER WORKING FULL TIME FOR THREE SUMMERS...1978 TO 1980...I SPENT THE NEXT SIX , ESSENTIALLY , BEING THERE THE LAST WEEK OF THE SEASON...AND IT WAS PERFECT...PEACE , HARMONY...BUILDING BRIDGES...ALL THAT SHIT... ) RIGHT UNTIL THE SUMMER OF 1987...THAT WOULD BE MY "WATERLOO"...BIG FUCKING TURDS FALLING FROM THE SKY RIGHT OUT OF THE BOOK OF "REVELATION" .
BUT THAT IS NOT WHAT FUCKED ME UP...WHAT FUCKED ME UP WAS HOW EASILY THINGS CHANGED...I MEAN...NOTHING HAPPENED...NOBODY DID ANYTHING...NO SCANDAL...NOBODY HIT ANYBODY...ONE PERSON DIDN'T LIKE YOUR TRULY AND THE COMPLEXION OF THE SUMMER CRUMBLED LIKE DOPE COOKIES IN THE MOUTHS OF CHEECH AND CHONG...( THE RUMORS ARE TRUE...THEY DO PUFF UP ON OCCASION ) .
I SIMPLY SAT DOWN...AND I COULD'NT GET BACK UP...IT WAS LIKE SUDDENLY EVERYTHING ROTTEN I FEARED MAY BE TRUE CONCERNING THE HUMAN SPECIES...CAME TRUE RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY EYES...FOR LESS THAN A BOWL OF SOUP , MY LOVE AND KINDNESS WERE SOLD LIKE RUBBERS TO A HORNY TEENAGER .
AND WHO SHOULD BE THERE RIGHT BESIDE ME ??? ( I HAVE SEEN THIS BEFORE )...THE ONLY PERSON IN THE WHOLE FUCKING MESS THAT HAD THE RIGHT TO POINT ANY FINGER AT ME OR MY IMAGINARY POODLE...ONCE AGAIN...ANYONE NAMED MCKAY...SHINED LIKE THE NORTHERN LIGHTS AT A MIDNIGHT HOG CALLING CONTEST .
THE GEOGRAPHIC LOCATION WHERE I RULED SUPREME...I AM CARRIED AWAY , LITERALLY...NOT ON MY OWN STRENGTH .
WHAT I DON'T REALIZE IS...ALL THIS SHIT IS FOR A REASON...I AM BEING PREPARED FOR SOMETHING...AND I STILL DIDN'T KNOW WHAT .
BUT THAT IS NOT WHAT FUCKED ME UP...WHAT FUCKED ME UP WAS HOW EASILY THINGS CHANGED...I MEAN...NOTHING HAPPENED...NOBODY DID ANYTHING...NO SCANDAL...NOBODY HIT ANYBODY...ONE PERSON DIDN'T LIKE YOUR TRULY AND THE COMPLEXION OF THE SUMMER CRUMBLED LIKE DOPE COOKIES IN THE MOUTHS OF CHEECH AND CHONG...( THE RUMORS ARE TRUE...THEY DO PUFF UP ON OCCASION ) .
I SIMPLY SAT DOWN...AND I COULD'NT GET BACK UP...IT WAS LIKE SUDDENLY EVERYTHING ROTTEN I FEARED MAY BE TRUE CONCERNING THE HUMAN SPECIES...CAME TRUE RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY EYES...FOR LESS THAN A BOWL OF SOUP , MY LOVE AND KINDNESS WERE SOLD LIKE RUBBERS TO A HORNY TEENAGER .
AND WHO SHOULD BE THERE RIGHT BESIDE ME ??? ( I HAVE SEEN THIS BEFORE )...THE ONLY PERSON IN THE WHOLE FUCKING MESS THAT HAD THE RIGHT TO POINT ANY FINGER AT ME OR MY IMAGINARY POODLE...ONCE AGAIN...ANYONE NAMED MCKAY...SHINED LIKE THE NORTHERN LIGHTS AT A MIDNIGHT HOG CALLING CONTEST .
THE GEOGRAPHIC LOCATION WHERE I RULED SUPREME...I AM CARRIED AWAY , LITERALLY...NOT ON MY OWN STRENGTH .
WHAT I DON'T REALIZE IS...ALL THIS SHIT IS FOR A REASON...I AM BEING PREPARED FOR SOMETHING...AND I STILL DIDN'T KNOW WHAT .
CHAPTER 88...GOOD-BY NOVA SCOTIA
I HAD FOUR MONTHS UNTIL MY JET LEFT FOR AUSTRALIA...AND WHAT DID I DO ??? GO TO MOVIES , DRINK TIA MARIA AND PLAY BUBBLE HOCKEY WITH KIDS IN A VIDEO ARCADE THREE OR FOUR MILES FROM MY HOUSE .
APPARENTLY EVERYONE WAS GOING TO MISS ME , TOO...FUCK , I MEAN , YOU DO THE MATH..TWO GOING AWAY MEALS PER DAY FOR 120 DAYS...THAT IS A LOT OF FRIED CHICKEN , MY FRIEND...AND NOBODY CAN MASTURBATE ENOUGH TO WORK OFF THOSE CALORIES .
...THEN , THERE IT WAS...ME HANDING SOME COMPLETE STRANGER MY BOARDING PASS LIKE I JUST WIPED MY ASS WITH IT AND WAS LOOKING FOR SOME COMPLETE SUCKER TO TAKE IT FROM ME .
GOOD-BY NOVA SCOTIA .
( AND I WILL ADMIT IT...I AM A NOVA SCOTIAN FIRST...AND A CANADIAN SECOND ).
APPARENTLY EVERYONE WAS GOING TO MISS ME , TOO...FUCK , I MEAN , YOU DO THE MATH..TWO GOING AWAY MEALS PER DAY FOR 120 DAYS...THAT IS A LOT OF FRIED CHICKEN , MY FRIEND...AND NOBODY CAN MASTURBATE ENOUGH TO WORK OFF THOSE CALORIES .
...THEN , THERE IT WAS...ME HANDING SOME COMPLETE STRANGER MY BOARDING PASS LIKE I JUST WIPED MY ASS WITH IT AND WAS LOOKING FOR SOME COMPLETE SUCKER TO TAKE IT FROM ME .
GOOD-BY NOVA SCOTIA .
( AND I WILL ADMIT IT...I AM A NOVA SCOTIAN FIRST...AND A CANADIAN SECOND ).
CHAPTER 89...HONG KONG
NEXT SCENE : HONG KONG AIRPORT...FROM ACROSS THIS SEA OF THOUSANDS OF LOST SOULS , BLINDED BY LUST AND PRIZES IN THE BOTTOM OF CRACKER-JACK BOXES...THIS YOUNG MAN YELLS OUT TO ME..."HEY YOU WITH THE FUNNY HAT "...MY HAT WAS NOT FUCKING FUNNY AT ALL , BUT I FIGURED HE WAS TALKING TO ME , ANYWAY...(YOU KNOW , INTUITION AND SHIT )...SO HE COMES RUNNING TOWARD ME...SOMEHOW FINDS MY LUGGAGE...AND , GUESS WHAT ??? WITH ALL THE BILLIONS OF FLIGHTS COMING IN AND OUT THAT PARTICULAR DAY...(SLIGHT EXAGGERATION )...HE IS ON MINE...SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO ME .
HE GIVES ME A COMIC ABOUT SOME DUDE WHO HY-JACKS A PLANE AND CRASHED IT INTO THE OCEAN...( REALLY FUNNY STUFF , WHEN YOU ARE ABOUT TO TAKE OFF INTO A SKY FULL OF DRAGONS AND GREMLINS AND SHIT LIKE THAT )...THEN HE ASKS ME SOME QUESTION ABOUT MY LIFE AND INFORMS ME ON CERTAIN PARTS OF MY FUTURE...IT WOULD ALL MAKE SENSE IN THE FOLLOWING YEARS TO COME .
HE SAID HE WAS A MISSIONARY...I GUESS HE WAS...SORTA .
HE GIVES ME A COMIC ABOUT SOME DUDE WHO HY-JACKS A PLANE AND CRASHED IT INTO THE OCEAN...( REALLY FUNNY STUFF , WHEN YOU ARE ABOUT TO TAKE OFF INTO A SKY FULL OF DRAGONS AND GREMLINS AND SHIT LIKE THAT )...THEN HE ASKS ME SOME QUESTION ABOUT MY LIFE AND INFORMS ME ON CERTAIN PARTS OF MY FUTURE...IT WOULD ALL MAKE SENSE IN THE FOLLOWING YEARS TO COME .
HE SAID HE WAS A MISSIONARY...I GUESS HE WAS...SORTA .
CHAPTER 90...BACK HOME AGAIN
TWO YEARS LATER...I AM BACK IN NOVA SCOTIA...THREE MONTHS AFTER THAT...I HAVE SOLD MY SOUL TO THE ESTABLISHMENT...JESUS COLA...MC JESUS...KENTUCKY FRIED JESUS...YOU KNOW...THE GUYS ROGER WATERS PISSED ALL OVER IN THE EPIC MASTERPIECE..." THE WALL " .
OUR FIRST SERVICE...FOUR KIDS THAT HAVE REACHED THAT UNIQUE STAGE IN LIFE...THE WONDER YEARS...ROUGHLY TRANSLATED...THEY CAN'T WAIT FOR ME TO SHUT THE FUCK UP SO THEY CAN GO BACK HOME AND MAKE LOVE TO THE ROAST IN THE DE- FROST...I MAKE FIVE...SIX IS THIS GIRL WITH AMAZING BREASTS THAT LOOK LIKE SEDATED PANTHERS...THE SEVENTH IS THIS INDIVIDUAL WHO HAD A STEP SON THAT WILL BECOME FAMOUS BY PLOTTING A MASS MURDER IN A SHOPPING MALL COMPLETE WITH CHICKEN BALLS THAT COULD POTENTIALLY KILL YOU FASTER THAN ANY BULLET...AND EIGHT , NINE AND 10...ARE PEOPLE WHO WOULD BE BETTER OFF SELLING KITTY LITTER IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE .
POINT BEING...I DIDN'T HAVE A FUCKING CLUE WHERE THE WHOLE THING WAS GOING...AND IF I DID...I WOULD HAVE JUMPED OFF THE FUCKING BRIDGE .
OUR FIRST SERVICE...FOUR KIDS THAT HAVE REACHED THAT UNIQUE STAGE IN LIFE...THE WONDER YEARS...ROUGHLY TRANSLATED...THEY CAN'T WAIT FOR ME TO SHUT THE FUCK UP SO THEY CAN GO BACK HOME AND MAKE LOVE TO THE ROAST IN THE DE- FROST...I MAKE FIVE...SIX IS THIS GIRL WITH AMAZING BREASTS THAT LOOK LIKE SEDATED PANTHERS...THE SEVENTH IS THIS INDIVIDUAL WHO HAD A STEP SON THAT WILL BECOME FAMOUS BY PLOTTING A MASS MURDER IN A SHOPPING MALL COMPLETE WITH CHICKEN BALLS THAT COULD POTENTIALLY KILL YOU FASTER THAN ANY BULLET...AND EIGHT , NINE AND 10...ARE PEOPLE WHO WOULD BE BETTER OFF SELLING KITTY LITTER IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE .
POINT BEING...I DIDN'T HAVE A FUCKING CLUE WHERE THE WHOLE THING WAS GOING...AND IF I DID...I WOULD HAVE JUMPED OFF THE FUCKING BRIDGE .
CHAPTER 91...CHRISTMAS 1990
THE THING ABOUT THE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE MESSAGE...IS THAT EVERYONE THINKS THEY WANT IT...BUT ONCE THEY FIGURE OUT WHAT IT IS...THEY RUN FOR THE FUCKING HILLS...( SOMETHING ABOUT REAL AND TRANSPARENCY AND HOW MUCH JESUS WOULD HATE THAT KIND OF BULLSHIT ).
THERE I AM...THE FIRST SELAH CHRISTMAS SERVICE...( SELAH IS THE NAME OF OUR LITTLE SPIRITUAL ENDEAVOR )... I PLACE STUFFED ANIMALS IN ALL THE EMPTY SEATS...AND DELIVER THE MESSAGE .
A MOUSE RUNS ACROSS THE BACK OF THE ROOM .
THERE I AM...THE FIRST SELAH CHRISTMAS SERVICE...( SELAH IS THE NAME OF OUR LITTLE SPIRITUAL ENDEAVOR )... I PLACE STUFFED ANIMALS IN ALL THE EMPTY SEATS...AND DELIVER THE MESSAGE .
A MOUSE RUNS ACROSS THE BACK OF THE ROOM .
CHAPTER 92...THE WALK ON THE SNOWY DAY FEB . 1982
IT JUST SUDDENLY DAWNED ON ME...RELIGION WAS NOT THERE TO FACILITATE GOD...IT WAS THERE TO TAKE US AWAY FROM GOD...A BIG FUCKING ILLUSION BY DEFINITION...IT WAS AS HOLY AS IT WAS HETEROSEXUAL .
NOT VERY .
NOT VERY .
CHAPTER 93...LEONARD EVANS
I DON'T REMEMBER WHERE , BUT SOMEWHERE IN TOWNSVILLE , AUSTRALIA THIS MAN APPROACHED ME AND OFFERED TO TAKE ME OUT TO DINNER BECAUSE THERE WAS SOMETHING HE FELT HE SHOULD GIVE ME...NORMALLY I WOULD BE THINKING THE SAME THING YOU ARE THINKING...BUT I ASKED HIM AND HE REASSURED ME THAT HE WAS NOT A SEX FIEND...( THANK GOD ) .
WE MET AT "VASUDIO'S"...(I'LL TELL YOU A STORY ABOUT THIS PARTICULAR RESTAURANT...I USED TO COOK THERE...AND THE PLACE WAS AS CRAZY AS THE FOOD WAS ORGASMIC...ONE NIGHT...THE COOK THREW A KNIFE AT THE WAITRESS AND PINNED HER DRESS TO THE WALL...THEN THERE WAS THE TIME...HE TENDERIZED A STEAK BY JUMPING UP AND DOWN ON IT)...ANYWAY...MY GENTLEMAN FRIEND AND I SAT DOWN AND HE PRESENTED ME A BOX OF CASSETTE TAPES...AND THEY WEREN'T "APRIL WINE" , EITHER .
LEONARD EVANS DID NOT HAVE AN EASY LIFE...IT ALL WENT FUCKALEE-DUCK-DUCK WHEN HE BEGAN ARTICULATING THE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE MESSAGE OF JESUS CHRIST...THERE IS JUST SOMETHING ABOUT BEING REAL THAT SCARES THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF PEOPLE .
AS FOR THE MAN WHO GAVE ME THE TAPES...IF I HAD MY WITS ABOUT ME...( WHICH SELDOM HAPPENS )...I WOULD HAVE ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ANY MORE DUMB COMIC BOOKS I COULD READ .
WE MET AT "VASUDIO'S"...(I'LL TELL YOU A STORY ABOUT THIS PARTICULAR RESTAURANT...I USED TO COOK THERE...AND THE PLACE WAS AS CRAZY AS THE FOOD WAS ORGASMIC...ONE NIGHT...THE COOK THREW A KNIFE AT THE WAITRESS AND PINNED HER DRESS TO THE WALL...THEN THERE WAS THE TIME...HE TENDERIZED A STEAK BY JUMPING UP AND DOWN ON IT)...ANYWAY...MY GENTLEMAN FRIEND AND I SAT DOWN AND HE PRESENTED ME A BOX OF CASSETTE TAPES...AND THEY WEREN'T "APRIL WINE" , EITHER .
LEONARD EVANS DID NOT HAVE AN EASY LIFE...IT ALL WENT FUCKALEE-DUCK-DUCK WHEN HE BEGAN ARTICULATING THE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE MESSAGE OF JESUS CHRIST...THERE IS JUST SOMETHING ABOUT BEING REAL THAT SCARES THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF PEOPLE .
AS FOR THE MAN WHO GAVE ME THE TAPES...IF I HAD MY WITS ABOUT ME...( WHICH SELDOM HAPPENS )...I WOULD HAVE ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ANY MORE DUMB COMIC BOOKS I COULD READ .
CHAPTER 94...SELAH 1991 - 1992
A TYPICAL SATURDAY / SELAH NIGHT :
1-ARRIVE 7 00
2-SERVICE 7 30
3-VIDEO / SWIMMING / BASKETBALL 8 00
...UNTIL THE POPULATION EXPLOSION IN SEPTEMBER 1992...THIS WAS MY LIFE...AND IT WAS WONDERFUL .
1-ARRIVE 7 00
2-SERVICE 7 30
3-VIDEO / SWIMMING / BASKETBALL 8 00
...UNTIL THE POPULATION EXPLOSION IN SEPTEMBER 1992...THIS WAS MY LIFE...AND IT WAS WONDERFUL .
CHAPTER 95...INNER CITY YOUTH CLUB...OCTOBER 1991 - AUGUST 1992
FUCK , DID I FUCK THAT UP...GET THIS...I SHOW UP AT A BOARD MEETING WITH A STORY ABOUT TRYING TO STOP SOME BOY FROM JUMPING OFF A BRIDGE...AND HE JUMPS...( BOARD MEETING THAT , YOU FUCKERS !!!)...THEY JUST LOOK AT ME LIKE SOMEONE WHO COLLECTS CELEBRITY USED TAMPONS .
POINT...THEY ARE LOOKING FOR STATISTICS ON BASKETBALL AND SHIT LIKE THAT...AND I BRING THEM ADOLESCENT SUICIDE...OH , YEA...I SLASH THE BUDGET BY 20 % ( NEEDLESS WASTE AND SUCH )...AND I GET IN SHIT FOR THAT AS WELL...WHAT ELSE DID I GET IN CRAP FOR ??? OH YEA , I HAD A BEER WITH MY SUPPER AND WAS ACCUSED OF HANGING AROUND IN BARS GETTING DRUNK ALL DAY...AND IT JUST GOES ON AND ON...AND JUST WHEN YOU THINK IT COULDN'T GET ANY FUCKIER...
...MY POCKET PUSSY FALLS APART !!!
POINT...THEY ARE LOOKING FOR STATISTICS ON BASKETBALL AND SHIT LIKE THAT...AND I BRING THEM ADOLESCENT SUICIDE...OH , YEA...I SLASH THE BUDGET BY 20 % ( NEEDLESS WASTE AND SUCH )...AND I GET IN SHIT FOR THAT AS WELL...WHAT ELSE DID I GET IN CRAP FOR ??? OH YEA , I HAD A BEER WITH MY SUPPER AND WAS ACCUSED OF HANGING AROUND IN BARS GETTING DRUNK ALL DAY...AND IT JUST GOES ON AND ON...AND JUST WHEN YOU THINK IT COULDN'T GET ANY FUCKIER...
...MY POCKET PUSSY FALLS APART !!!
CHAPTER 96...I .C. Y. C...NON STOP ENTERTAINMENT
THERE WAS THIS ONE GUY , NAMED : " ABOUT TO LOSE SOME FINGERS IF I DON'T COME UP WITH SOME CASH "...( THAT WAS NOT ACTUALLY HIS GIVEN NAME )...HE OWED SOME BAD-ASS PEOPLE SOME BAD-ASS CURRENCY...SO HE WAS TAKEN TO A NEARBY VENUE TO PERFORM "BILLY THE BLOW JOB AND HIS MAGIC FLUTE" ON WHOEVER HAD A FIST FULL OF DOLLARS...NOW , HIS SUPERVISOR SEES HIM HANGING OUT HERE AND THERE AND SUCKING LIKE A HURRICANE...BUT DOES NOT SEE HIM TAKE ANY MONEY..."WHAT ARE YOU DOING ??? " HE ASKS...THE REPLY...NOW GET THIS...HE SAYS..." I AM BUILDING UP OUR CLIENTELE" .
GOD BLESS HIM...I HOPE HE IS O.K...BUT I DOUBT IT .
OH , YES...HE LIKES CATS .
GOD BLESS HIM...I HOPE HE IS O.K...BUT I DOUBT IT .
OH , YES...HE LIKES CATS .
Saturday, November 28, 2015
CHAPTER 97...DARK AS A MONKEY'S ASS
BILLY THE BLOW JOB'S MANAGER MADE BILLY LOOK LIKE E.T. AFTER HE WAS FULLY SEDATED...HE BROKE INTO A HOUSE AND RAPED A 17 YEAR OLD KID WHILE HIS WIFE WATCHED...( HIS WIFE...NOT THE 17 YEAR OLD'S )...HE WAS IN MY DRUG AND ALCOHOL REHABILITATION CLASS...WHICH WAS IRONIC...BECAUSE AFTER I FOUND OUT ABOUT ALL THIS SHIT...I SPENT MOST OF THE NEXT WEEK WITH MY GOOD FRIEND...MR. BOTTLES...MR . RUM BOTTLES .
IT GETS WEIRDER , BUT I THINK YOU UNDERSTAND MY POINT..." EXPLAIN IT AGAIN" , YOU SAY...SURE , FUCK IT...IT'S LIKE THIS...HERE I AM WORKING FOR A BUNCH OF DUMMIES WHO ARE INTOXICATED BY HOW MANY 12 YEAR OLD GIRLS THROW BALLS THROUGH HOOPS...WHILE OUR CITY IS BEING EATEN UP AND CONSUMED BY THE PRINCE OF FUCKING DARKNESS .
TAKE A PILL !!!
IT GETS WEIRDER , BUT I THINK YOU UNDERSTAND MY POINT..." EXPLAIN IT AGAIN" , YOU SAY...SURE , FUCK IT...IT'S LIKE THIS...HERE I AM WORKING FOR A BUNCH OF DUMMIES WHO ARE INTOXICATED BY HOW MANY 12 YEAR OLD GIRLS THROW BALLS THROUGH HOOPS...WHILE OUR CITY IS BEING EATEN UP AND CONSUMED BY THE PRINCE OF FUCKING DARKNESS .
TAKE A PILL !!!
CHAPTER 98...THE THREE LIES
IN MY SEEMINGLY ENDLESS DECADES OF BEING AN ORDAINED MINISTER...I KNOWINGLY TOLD THREE LIES...AND I TOLD THEM ALL IN THE SAME PLACE...AND MAYBE EVEN THE SAME ROOM .
LIE # ONE...I FAKED A RAFFLE FOR A BIKE...I DON'T REMEMBER IF IT WAS A GIRL OR BOY...BLACK OR WHITE...BUT ONE KID WAS JUST SO KIND AND CONSIDERATE...THERE WAS NO FUCKING WAY THAT HE / SHE...WAS NOT GOING TO WIN THAT FUCKING THING...SO I FAKED IT .
LIE # TWO...I FAKED A FUNDRAISER WALK...NOT NEARLY AS NOBLE A REASON...THOUGH I DIDN'T LOSE ANY SLEEP OVER IT...I WAS TIRED OF BEING TREATED LIKE SHIT...AND THIS WAS MY PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE RETALIATION...IT WOULD HAVE BEEN FUNNY IF I HAD GOTTEN CAUGHT BECAUSE , AT THIS POINT...I WAS ABOUT TO DO MY OWN LITTLE WALK-A-THON...RIGHT ON SOMEONE'S HEAD .
LIE # THREE...GIRLS INTERMEDIATE BASKETBALL...I COULDN'T GET THE INNER CITY GIRLS TO COME TO THE PROGRAM...SO I TAUGHT SOME "SELAH" GIRLS HOW TO TALK WITH AN INNER-CITY SLUR...AND IMPORTED THEM...I JUST SAT THERE AND LAUGHED MY ASS OFF .
LIE # ONE...I FAKED A RAFFLE FOR A BIKE...I DON'T REMEMBER IF IT WAS A GIRL OR BOY...BLACK OR WHITE...BUT ONE KID WAS JUST SO KIND AND CONSIDERATE...THERE WAS NO FUCKING WAY THAT HE / SHE...WAS NOT GOING TO WIN THAT FUCKING THING...SO I FAKED IT .
LIE # TWO...I FAKED A FUNDRAISER WALK...NOT NEARLY AS NOBLE A REASON...THOUGH I DIDN'T LOSE ANY SLEEP OVER IT...I WAS TIRED OF BEING TREATED LIKE SHIT...AND THIS WAS MY PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE RETALIATION...IT WOULD HAVE BEEN FUNNY IF I HAD GOTTEN CAUGHT BECAUSE , AT THIS POINT...I WAS ABOUT TO DO MY OWN LITTLE WALK-A-THON...RIGHT ON SOMEONE'S HEAD .
LIE # THREE...GIRLS INTERMEDIATE BASKETBALL...I COULDN'T GET THE INNER CITY GIRLS TO COME TO THE PROGRAM...SO I TAUGHT SOME "SELAH" GIRLS HOW TO TALK WITH AN INNER-CITY SLUR...AND IMPORTED THEM...I JUST SAT THERE AND LAUGHED MY ASS OFF .
CHAPTER 99...ENTERS GOD...IRONSIDE
SUMMER CAMPING AGAIN...A DIFFERENT KIND OF CAMP , THOUGH...I TAKE A BUNCH OF INNER-CITY KIDS TO THIS PLACE IN THE WILDERNESS...THEY STEAL , FIGHT AND , IN GENERAL...CAUSE SHIT...I TAKE THEM HOME ALMOST BEFORE THEY GOT THERE...ONE OF THE PARENTS IS OUTRAGED THAT I SUGGEST HIS KID MAY BE VIOLENT...HE THREATENS TO BEAT ME UP...I TRY TO POINT OUT THE IRONY OF THE SITUATION...BUT I MAY AS WELL BE POINTING OUT EINSTEIN'S THIRD LAW OF COCK SUCKING .
THE CAMP ITSELF IS A RATHER SUCCESSFUL ATTEMPT OF PERFECTING THE ART OF HYPOCRISY...FORNICATION WILL SEND YOU TO HELL...JUST ASK THE FORNICATORS...THAT IS TO SAY...WHEN CERTAIN PEOPLE AROUND THIS PLACE SAY..."DON'T FORNICATE"...WHAT THEY MEAN IS...THEY WILL DO ENOUGH FOR THE BOTH OF YOU...HOWEVER...EVERYTHING IS FOR A REASON...AND IN THE MIDST OF ALL THIS BULLSHIT...THREE WONDERFUL SOULS WILL JOIN THE "SELAH" FLOCK...AND REMAIN TILL THIS VERY DAY .
THE CAMP ITSELF IS A RATHER SUCCESSFUL ATTEMPT OF PERFECTING THE ART OF HYPOCRISY...FORNICATION WILL SEND YOU TO HELL...JUST ASK THE FORNICATORS...THAT IS TO SAY...WHEN CERTAIN PEOPLE AROUND THIS PLACE SAY..."DON'T FORNICATE"...WHAT THEY MEAN IS...THEY WILL DO ENOUGH FOR THE BOTH OF YOU...HOWEVER...EVERYTHING IS FOR A REASON...AND IN THE MIDST OF ALL THIS BULLSHIT...THREE WONDERFUL SOULS WILL JOIN THE "SELAH" FLOCK...AND REMAIN TILL THIS VERY DAY .
CHAPTER 100...FIRED
SOMEWHERE DURING THE SUMMER OF 1992...I GOT FIRED FROM THE I.C.Y.C...EITHER THAT OR I QUIT...THAT'S WHAT THEY SAID , ANYWAY...I QUIT...I DON'T REMEMBER QUITTING...AND I DO REMEMBER GETTING FIRED...BUT WHAT THE FUCK...IF IT MAKES THEM SWING THEIR CAT AROUND THE SKY MORE EFFICACIOUSLY...THEN SO BE IT...I FUCKING QUIT .
GOD, I WAS HAPPY...MAYBE JUST ABOUT THE HAPPIEST I HAD EVER BEEN IN MY LIFE..."SELAH " WOULD NOW BE A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION...PEOPLE WOULD THROW MONEY AT ME...( IF BY MONEY YOU MEAN TURDS AND BRICKS)...AND I WOULD LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER...IF BY EVER AFTER YOU MEANT 26 MONTHS .
GOD, I WAS HAPPY...MAYBE JUST ABOUT THE HAPPIEST I HAD EVER BEEN IN MY LIFE..."SELAH " WOULD NOW BE A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION...PEOPLE WOULD THROW MONEY AT ME...( IF BY MONEY YOU MEAN TURDS AND BRICKS)...AND I WOULD LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER...IF BY EVER AFTER YOU MEANT 26 MONTHS .
CHAPTER 101...GIRLFRIEND
AND WHAT DOES THE HAPPIEST GUY IN THE UNIVERSE NEED ??? YOU GUESSED IT...A GIRLFRIEND...AND WHAT A GIRLFRIEND , INDEED...HER NAME WAS PATRICIA...AND SHE WAS DELICIA...WONDERFUL...BEAUTIFUL...KIND...GENTLE... AND INTELLIGENT...WHICH , FOR ME...WAS UNFORTUNATE...( THE INTELLIGENT THING , ANYWAY )...YOU SEE...THE THING ABOUT SMART PEOPLE IS THAT THEY CAN SEE A SHIT STORM FROM A MILE AWAY...LET US FACE IT...ANYONE ATTEMPTING TO CHANGE THE COMPLEXION OF ANY RELIGION...MUST BE , AT THE VERY LEAST...QUESTIONABLE .
I DON'T THINK SHE IS AWARE OF IT...BUT SHE BROKE UP WITH ME EXACTLY ONE YEAR TO THE DAY AFTER OUR FIRST DATE .
I DON'T THINK SHE IS AWARE OF IT...BUT SHE BROKE UP WITH ME EXACTLY ONE YEAR TO THE DAY AFTER OUR FIRST DATE .
CHAPTER 102...BRUCE AND THE FLYING KANGAROOS
PATRICIA BOUGHT ME A BASEBALL BAT AND I WENT OUT TO FULFILL MY WILDEST DREAM...THE CAPTURE AND ANAL PENETRATION OF A MALE SASQUATCH .
O .K . , YOU CAUGHT ME...I EXAGGERATED...WHAT REALLY HAPPENED IS "SELAH " SENT ME TO THIS PLACE CALLED " THE WHITMEN INN "...IN SOUTH WEST NOVA SCOTIA...I WOULD SPEND A WEEK PRAYING , MEDITATING AND HIKING NAKED THROUGH THE WOODS...I REMEMBER ONE SUCH WALK...DOWN THE ROAD...A CALM AND BEAUTIFUL SUMMER NIGHT...MEDITATING UPON WHAT HAD HAPPENED IN THE LAST NINE MONTHS...FROM A SMALL GROUP OF KIDS PLAYING VIDEO GAMES...WE HAD GROWN TO WHAT I WAS TOLD WAS THE SECOND LARGEST YOUTH OUTREACH IN THE COUNTRY...I WAS IN LOVE AND I WAS SURROUNDED BY PEOPLE AS CLOSE AS FAMILY...IT WAS NOT WHAT I ENVISIONED...BUT IT WAS FAR BETTER...THERE WAS LITERALLY NOTHING THAT I WANTED THAT I DID NOT POSSESS .
CRASH !!!
O .K . , YOU CAUGHT ME...I EXAGGERATED...WHAT REALLY HAPPENED IS "SELAH " SENT ME TO THIS PLACE CALLED " THE WHITMEN INN "...IN SOUTH WEST NOVA SCOTIA...I WOULD SPEND A WEEK PRAYING , MEDITATING AND HIKING NAKED THROUGH THE WOODS...I REMEMBER ONE SUCH WALK...DOWN THE ROAD...A CALM AND BEAUTIFUL SUMMER NIGHT...MEDITATING UPON WHAT HAD HAPPENED IN THE LAST NINE MONTHS...FROM A SMALL GROUP OF KIDS PLAYING VIDEO GAMES...WE HAD GROWN TO WHAT I WAS TOLD WAS THE SECOND LARGEST YOUTH OUTREACH IN THE COUNTRY...I WAS IN LOVE AND I WAS SURROUNDED BY PEOPLE AS CLOSE AS FAMILY...IT WAS NOT WHAT I ENVISIONED...BUT IT WAS FAR BETTER...THERE WAS LITERALLY NOTHING THAT I WANTED THAT I DID NOT POSSESS .
CRASH !!!
CHAPTER 103...CRASH...SUMMER OF 1994
I WAS ON A MOUNTAIN IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA...I THINK I SAW SEAN CONNERY , BUT HE WAS DRIVING TOO FAST TO ASK HIM...NOT ACCUSING HIM OF SPEEDING , OR ANYTHING...I JUST CAN'T RUN THAT FUCKING FAST , THAT'S ALL...ANYWAY , I LOOKED DOWN AND THERE IT WAS...AN ANT...BUT NOT JUST AN ANT...IT WAS OVER A HALF A FOOT LONG AND HAD PRONGS COMING OUT OF HIS ASS LONGER THAN THE AVERAGE PENIS .
I LOOKED IT UP...IT WAS NOT ON THE ENTIRE INTERNET...QUESTION...WAS IT REALLY AN ANT...OR A SPIRITUAL DEMONIC MANIFESTATION ???
I LOOKED IT UP...IT WAS NOT ON THE ENTIRE INTERNET...QUESTION...WAS IT REALLY AN ANT...OR A SPIRITUAL DEMONIC MANIFESTATION ???
CHAPTER 104...CRASH BANG
IT DOES NOT MATTER WHAT SPECIFICALLY DESTROYED MY LIFE...IT IS NOT A SECRET...BUT I DO NOT FEEL COMPELLED TO SHARE THIS SMALL BIT OF INFORMATION WITH EITHER THE GOOD PEOPLE ON EARTH...OR MY BUDDIES ON MARS...THINGS WERE SAID...LIES WERE TOLD...DARKNESS APPEARED LIKE WEREWOLVES FUCKING UNDER A WINTER SKY .
IT TOOK A YEAR TO ACTUALLY BELIEVE THAT PEOPLE HAD DONE WHAT THEY HAD DONE...THEN ONE DAY...IT DAWNED UPON ME...IN THE IMMORTAL WORDS OF KEITH RICHARDS...( THIS IS )..." AS WICKED AS IT SEEMS " .
I WAS NOW OFFICIALLY THE BABY THAT WAS MISTAKEN FOR A TURKEY AND SHOVED INTO THE OVEN...MY FATHER , HIM THREATENING TO KILL ME...THE PILES AND PILES OF SHIT I SIMPLY PLOWED OUT OF THE WAY LIKE A VIKING WITH A HARD-ON SO INTENSE HE BATTLED AND DEFEATED SEA MONSTERS WITH THE LITTLE PURPLE PART AT THE END...EVERYTHING WAS NOTHING WHEN YOUR HERO , BATMAN...CHOCKS YOU TO DEATH WITH YOUR FAVORITE STUFFED ANIMAL .
IT TOOK A YEAR TO ACTUALLY BELIEVE THAT PEOPLE HAD DONE WHAT THEY HAD DONE...THEN ONE DAY...IT DAWNED UPON ME...IN THE IMMORTAL WORDS OF KEITH RICHARDS...( THIS IS )..." AS WICKED AS IT SEEMS " .
I WAS NOW OFFICIALLY THE BABY THAT WAS MISTAKEN FOR A TURKEY AND SHOVED INTO THE OVEN...MY FATHER , HIM THREATENING TO KILL ME...THE PILES AND PILES OF SHIT I SIMPLY PLOWED OUT OF THE WAY LIKE A VIKING WITH A HARD-ON SO INTENSE HE BATTLED AND DEFEATED SEA MONSTERS WITH THE LITTLE PURPLE PART AT THE END...EVERYTHING WAS NOTHING WHEN YOUR HERO , BATMAN...CHOCKS YOU TO DEATH WITH YOUR FAVORITE STUFFED ANIMAL .
CHAPTER 105...POST TRAUMATIC STRESS
P .T. S. D. HAPPENS WHEN YOUR BRAIN CANNOT MAKE SENSE OF SOMETHING...THE SHIT THAT HAS GONE DOWN...DOES NOT COMPUTE WITH WHAT YOUR OWN PERSONAL UNIVERSE CONSIDERS NORMAL...THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS...IF I HAD DONE SOMETHING WRONG TO THESE PEOPLE...MY BRAIN WOULD HAVE SEEN WHAT WENT DOWN AS GOOD OLD FASHION CAVEMAN REVENGE...AND MY PROVERBIAL HORSE WOULD HAVE KEPT ON MASTURBATING IN HIS STALL .
P. T. S . D...WEARS YOU DOWN BIT BY BIT...SOMETIMES SO SLOWLY THAT YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING UNTIL IT IS TOO LATE...UNTIL YOU ARE CURLED UP IN A BALL IN YOUR LIVING ROOM , WAITING FOR THE UNIVERSE TO BLEED SPACE MONKEYS THAT SHOOT JUDGEMENT AND CONDEMNATION RAYS OUT OF THEIR ASS AND ACROSS THE MIDNIGHT SKY .
IN SO MANY WORDS...IT RIPS YOU A NEW HOLE .
P. T. S . D...WEARS YOU DOWN BIT BY BIT...SOMETIMES SO SLOWLY THAT YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING UNTIL IT IS TOO LATE...UNTIL YOU ARE CURLED UP IN A BALL IN YOUR LIVING ROOM , WAITING FOR THE UNIVERSE TO BLEED SPACE MONKEYS THAT SHOOT JUDGEMENT AND CONDEMNATION RAYS OUT OF THEIR ASS AND ACROSS THE MIDNIGHT SKY .
IN SO MANY WORDS...IT RIPS YOU A NEW HOLE .
CHAPTER 106...THE GOD SQUAD
THIS RELIGIOUS THING ALL WENT TO SHIT...I WAS CAUGHT IN A WAR...ME AND MY FRIENDS AGAINST 30 OR SO "ASSEMBLIES OF THE MOST HIGH"...OR...IN THIS CASE..."THE MOST LOW"...ONE OF THE MOTHERS OF ONE OF THE KIDS IN "SELAH "...WAS APPROACHED BY "GOD KNOWS WHO"...AND WAS INFORMED THAT I WAS A 65 YEAR OLD HYPNOTIST PUTTING KIDS UNDER SPELLS SO THEY WOULD KILL THEMSELVES...THE MOTHER JUST LAUGHED...I WAS NOT SO AMUSED .
THE RELIGIOUS PEOPLE DID EVERYTHING THEY COULD TO RUIN ME...FUCK...THEY EVEN STARTED THEIR OWN LITTLE YOUTH FLOCK DOWN THE STREET FROM US...YOU KNOW...TO STEAL OUR JESUS SQUAD AND TURN THEM INTO SEXUALLY REPRESSED DING-BATS .
HERE IS THE BEST ONE...READY ??? I WENT TO BED ONE NIGHT AND A DEMON FLEW IN THROUGH THE WINDOW...( I ASSUME )...AND LANDED RIGHT BY MY HEAD...THE THING PROCEEDED TO TELL ME THAT "THE BAD GUYS" WERE HAVING A MEETING CONCERNING ME ON THAT PARTICULAR NIGHT...AND WERE GOING TO...ROUGHLY TRANSLATED..."TEAR ME A NEW HOLE".
LONG STORY SHORT...THEY DID HAVE A MEETING...IT WAS AT EXACTLY THE PLACE THE VOICE TOLD ME IT WOULD BE...BUT THEY WERE TOO BUSY FUCKING AROUND WITH THEIR OWN HOLES TO TEAR ME A NEW ONE .
...I LIVED TO FIGHT ANOTHER DAY .
THE RELIGIOUS PEOPLE DID EVERYTHING THEY COULD TO RUIN ME...FUCK...THEY EVEN STARTED THEIR OWN LITTLE YOUTH FLOCK DOWN THE STREET FROM US...YOU KNOW...TO STEAL OUR JESUS SQUAD AND TURN THEM INTO SEXUALLY REPRESSED DING-BATS .
HERE IS THE BEST ONE...READY ??? I WENT TO BED ONE NIGHT AND A DEMON FLEW IN THROUGH THE WINDOW...( I ASSUME )...AND LANDED RIGHT BY MY HEAD...THE THING PROCEEDED TO TELL ME THAT "THE BAD GUYS" WERE HAVING A MEETING CONCERNING ME ON THAT PARTICULAR NIGHT...AND WERE GOING TO...ROUGHLY TRANSLATED..."TEAR ME A NEW HOLE".
LONG STORY SHORT...THEY DID HAVE A MEETING...IT WAS AT EXACTLY THE PLACE THE VOICE TOLD ME IT WOULD BE...BUT THEY WERE TOO BUSY FUCKING AROUND WITH THEIR OWN HOLES TO TEAR ME A NEW ONE .
...I LIVED TO FIGHT ANOTHER DAY .
CHAPTER 107...IRONSIDE , REVISITED
IN 1995 , I RETURN TO A CAMP THAT I AFFECTIONATELY NICK-NAMED..." GO EAT SHIT , STRANG "...I PREACH A SERMON AND 52 OUT OF 54 KIDS COME FORWARD FOR ME TO SPEND A LITTLE QUALITY TIME WITH...YOU KNOW...CRYING... WEEPING...BASICALLY HEART BROKEN...I WON'T TELL YOU A WHOLE LOT...BUT I WILL TELL YOU THIS...THERE ARE A COPIOUS AMOUNT OF GRANDFATHERS AND UNCLES AND SHIT LIKE THAT OUT THERE WHO HAVE A LOT TO ANSWER FOR .
AND , YOU GUESSED IT...WITHIN DAYS IT GETS BACK TO ME THAT THE RELIGIOUS LEADERS OF THIS THING-A-MA-GIG ARE SAYING THAT I WAS UTILIZING MASS HYPNOSIS TO GET THE KIDS TO SAY WHAT I WANTED THEM TO SAY .
AND THE REAL QUESTION...WHY WAS I STUPID ENOUGH TO GO BACK ???
AND , YOU GUESSED IT...WITHIN DAYS IT GETS BACK TO ME THAT THE RELIGIOUS LEADERS OF THIS THING-A-MA-GIG ARE SAYING THAT I WAS UTILIZING MASS HYPNOSIS TO GET THE KIDS TO SAY WHAT I WANTED THEM TO SAY .
AND THE REAL QUESTION...WHY WAS I STUPID ENOUGH TO GO BACK ???
CHAPTER 108...CAMP NO SMOKING
ANOTHER CAMP I GRACED WITH MY PRESENCE...I AFFECTIONATELY REFERRED TO AS... " CAMP NO-SMOKING"...I THINK THAT'S WHAT IT WAS CALLED , ACTUALLY...I MEAN , THEY MUST HAVE HAD 1500 SIGNS SPREAD ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE THAT SAID..."NO SMOKING "...I GOT UP THERE IN FRONT OF THE LITTLE CRITTERS..."WELCOME TO CAMP NO SMOKING...NOW , GET ME A FUCKING RUM AND COKE"...WELL , NOT REALLY...I WOULD HAVE BEEN FED TO THE CHIPMUNKS...OR... WORSE STILL...THE CHRISTIAN EDUCATION DIRECTOR...IT GOES LIKE THIS...IN RELIGION...THE BIGGEST LIAR GETS THE LAST COOKIE .
I DON'T KNOW WHY...BUT I REALLY WANT A CIGARETTE RIGHT NOW .
I DON'T KNOW WHY...BUT I REALLY WANT A CIGARETTE RIGHT NOW .
CHAPTER 109...SHARKS AND CROCODILES AND PUPPIES
I TAKE THIS BOY TO THE GROCERY STORE...THIS LADY BEGINS TO SPIRITUALLY MANIFEST...SHE SCREAMS AND HOLLERS AND PULLS HER HAIR...SHE RUNS OUTSIDE AND STARTS CLAWING AND POUNDING AT THE WINDOW...I TURN TO THE KID AND SAY..."WHAT DO YOU WANT ON YOUR SANDWICH ??? " .
FUNNY , EH ??? THERE IS THIS HILL IN THE MIDDLE OF OUR CITY...ON TOP OF IT THERE IS A DEMON...A BIG FUCKING DEMON...BIGGER THAN A HORSE'S COCK...WHAT HE DOES UP THERE...I CANNOT SEE HIM QUITE CLEARLY ENOUGH TO TELL...BUT I DO SEE HIM .
DO YOU REMEMBER THE SCENE IN "JAWS" , WHERE THE MAYOR GETS EVERYONE TO GO SWIMMING ??? WELL , HISTORY DICTATES TO US THAT HE SHOULD NOT HAVE DONE THAT .
I ACCIDENTALLY WENT SWIMMING IN CROCODILE INFESTED WATERS ONCE .
LIFE IS LIKE SHARKS AND CROCODILES...AND BEAUTIFUL PUPPIES JUST TO CONFUSE US .
FUNNY , EH ??? THERE IS THIS HILL IN THE MIDDLE OF OUR CITY...ON TOP OF IT THERE IS A DEMON...A BIG FUCKING DEMON...BIGGER THAN A HORSE'S COCK...WHAT HE DOES UP THERE...I CANNOT SEE HIM QUITE CLEARLY ENOUGH TO TELL...BUT I DO SEE HIM .
DO YOU REMEMBER THE SCENE IN "JAWS" , WHERE THE MAYOR GETS EVERYONE TO GO SWIMMING ??? WELL , HISTORY DICTATES TO US THAT HE SHOULD NOT HAVE DONE THAT .
I ACCIDENTALLY WENT SWIMMING IN CROCODILE INFESTED WATERS ONCE .
LIFE IS LIKE SHARKS AND CROCODILES...AND BEAUTIFUL PUPPIES JUST TO CONFUSE US .
CHAPTER 110...EVIL CONTINUES
AS I WAS WRITING THE CHAPTER ON EVIL...GUESS WHAT THE PAGE VIEW NUMBER WAS ??? 6066...WEIRD , EH ???
CHAPTER 111...THE NEW PEOPLE
IN 1998 OUR COMMUNITY GOT A WHOLE LOT BETTER WITH THE INTRODUCTION OF TWO NEW PLAYERS...IF IT WERE A HOCKEY DRAFT , I WOULD HAVE PICKED UP WAYNE GRETZKEY AND BOBBY ORR...FOR A RETARDED SEA MONKEY AND 100 POUNDS OF BIRD SEED .
I COULD NOT HAVE MADE IT WITHOUT IAN AND CHANTEL...THE POST TRAUMATIC STRESS WAS BECOMING TOO ACUTE...NIGHTS WERE HELL...AND I KEPT ON WANTING TO DIVE IN DITCHES AND THROW BAGS OF URINE AT THE NAZI'S DURING THE DAY TIME .
OUR FIRST RETREAT WAS 1998...CHANTEL DID A WORKSHOP WHICH WAS SPECTACULAR...AND I HUNTED SASQUATCH BETWEEN ACTIVITIES AND MEALS .
I COULD NOT HAVE MADE IT WITHOUT IAN AND CHANTEL...THE POST TRAUMATIC STRESS WAS BECOMING TOO ACUTE...NIGHTS WERE HELL...AND I KEPT ON WANTING TO DIVE IN DITCHES AND THROW BAGS OF URINE AT THE NAZI'S DURING THE DAY TIME .
OUR FIRST RETREAT WAS 1998...CHANTEL DID A WORKSHOP WHICH WAS SPECTACULAR...AND I HUNTED SASQUATCH BETWEEN ACTIVITIES AND MEALS .
CHAPTER 112...THIS IS NOT THAT STORY
HAVE YOU HEARD THE STORY OF HOW I WORKED IN A STEEL FABRICATION PLANT...GOD TOLD ME TO TURN AROUND...I VIRTUALLY FLEW ACROSS THE ROOM...GRABBED A 60 YEAR OLD MAN...AND THREW HIM INTO A BURNING UNIT AS OVER 3000 POUNDS OF STEEL MISSED BOTH OF OUR HEADS BY INCHES ??? WELL...THIS IS NOT THAT STORY .
I WENT OUT FOR SUPPER WITH A FRIEND...TOLD HIM HOW MY MIND , SOUL , BODY AND SPIRIT WERE FALLING APART...HE CASUALLY INFORMED ME THAT IT WAS GOING TO GET EVEN WORSE.
IT WAS JULY 1999...I HAD JUST SPENT EIGHT WEEKS BEING TORTURED BY MY WIFE-TO-BE...( SHE HAD A HABIT OF FAKING COMAS AND SHIT LIKE THAT , JUST TO SEE HOW MANY TIMES I COULD VOMIT UP MY OWN ASS HOLE )...I WAS IN A PSUDO COMA...FUNNY THING ABOUT SELF-INDUCED COMAS...THEY REALLY PART THE WATERS JUST LIKE MOSES PARTED THE FUCKING RED SEA...IN THE WORDS OF YODA..." LOSE SOME MORE FRIENDS , I WILL "...MEANWHILE...THE CATHOLICS THINK THEY FINALLY HAVE A HAND ON MASTURBATION .
I WENT OUT FOR SUPPER WITH A FRIEND...TOLD HIM HOW MY MIND , SOUL , BODY AND SPIRIT WERE FALLING APART...HE CASUALLY INFORMED ME THAT IT WAS GOING TO GET EVEN WORSE.
IT WAS JULY 1999...I HAD JUST SPENT EIGHT WEEKS BEING TORTURED BY MY WIFE-TO-BE...( SHE HAD A HABIT OF FAKING COMAS AND SHIT LIKE THAT , JUST TO SEE HOW MANY TIMES I COULD VOMIT UP MY OWN ASS HOLE )...I WAS IN A PSUDO COMA...FUNNY THING ABOUT SELF-INDUCED COMAS...THEY REALLY PART THE WATERS JUST LIKE MOSES PARTED THE FUCKING RED SEA...IN THE WORDS OF YODA..." LOSE SOME MORE FRIENDS , I WILL "...MEANWHILE...THE CATHOLICS THINK THEY FINALLY HAVE A HAND ON MASTURBATION .
CHAPTER 113...MORE ON POST TRAUMATIC STRESS
HERE IS AN EXAMPLE OF WHAT THAT SHIT CAN DO TO YOU :
I AM RIDING IN THE ELEVATOR WITH SOME LADY WHO APPARENTLY LIVES IN MY CAVE WITH ME...I SMILE...SHE SMILES...HER POODLE WAVES...I SPEND THE NEXT FOUR NIGHTS WITH HEART PALVATIONS...NIGHTMARES...AND ALL SORTS OF OTHER CRAP , THINKING SHE WILL ACCUSE ME OF...WHATEVER HER PRECIOUS LITTLE HEART DECIDES TO ACCUSE ME OF .
ENTERS , AS ALWAYS...CHANTEL...I SPEND THE NEXT YEAR IN ART THERAPY AND THEN WHAT DO I DO ??? WELL , IF YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME...YOU KNOW I PACKED MY BAGS...WENT TO EUROPE...GOT PRETTY DRUNK...TRAVELED THE CONTINENT...AND WROTE A BOOK ABOUT IT.*
NEXT SCENE...100 DAYS LATER...THE PLANE TOUCHES GROUND...TIME FOR ANOTHER GOOD OLD FASHION SHIT KICKING .
* I CAN'T REMEMBER...DID I LEAVE IN THE BIT ABOUT LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW AND ONE OF THE THREE HOUSES IN THE FIELD BELOW HAD DISAPPEARED ??? BECAUSE THAT WAS FUCKING WEIRD , MAN...EVEN FOR ME .
I AM RIDING IN THE ELEVATOR WITH SOME LADY WHO APPARENTLY LIVES IN MY CAVE WITH ME...I SMILE...SHE SMILES...HER POODLE WAVES...I SPEND THE NEXT FOUR NIGHTS WITH HEART PALVATIONS...NIGHTMARES...AND ALL SORTS OF OTHER CRAP , THINKING SHE WILL ACCUSE ME OF...WHATEVER HER PRECIOUS LITTLE HEART DECIDES TO ACCUSE ME OF .
ENTERS , AS ALWAYS...CHANTEL...I SPEND THE NEXT YEAR IN ART THERAPY AND THEN WHAT DO I DO ??? WELL , IF YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME...YOU KNOW I PACKED MY BAGS...WENT TO EUROPE...GOT PRETTY DRUNK...TRAVELED THE CONTINENT...AND WROTE A BOOK ABOUT IT.*
NEXT SCENE...100 DAYS LATER...THE PLANE TOUCHES GROUND...TIME FOR ANOTHER GOOD OLD FASHION SHIT KICKING .
* I CAN'T REMEMBER...DID I LEAVE IN THE BIT ABOUT LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW AND ONE OF THE THREE HOUSES IN THE FIELD BELOW HAD DISAPPEARED ??? BECAUSE THAT WAS FUCKING WEIRD , MAN...EVEN FOR ME .
CHAPTER 114...A DIFFERENT DRUM
WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN 2000 AND 2005 ??? WELL , SELAH BEGAN TO MORPH INTO BECOMING A COMMUNITY INSTEAD OF A LARGE GROUP OF PEOPLE DESIGNED TO SIT THERE AND LOOK MILDLY AMUSED UNTIL THE COWS CAME HOME .
DON'T GET ME WRONG...SELAH WAS A WONDERFUL SOCIOLOGICAL THING-A-MA-JIG THAT WAS PROBABLY AS EFFECTIVE AS ANY NON-INTIMACY COLLECTION OF PEOPLE CAN BE...BUT THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER IS...ONLY IN TRUST AND AUTHENTIC RELATIONSHIPS...CAN REALITY BE BROUGHT DOWN HERE TO PLANET EARTH .
NOW HERE IS THE QUESTION...WAS IT STUMBLING UPON THE SECRET OF REAL MINISTRY THAT CONJURED UP LITERALLY THREE YEARS OF EVIL ??? OR DID ALL THIS SHIT JUST FUCKING HAPPEN BECAUSE THE POWERS THAT BE HAD NOTHING BETTER TO DO ???
DON'T GET ME WRONG...SELAH WAS A WONDERFUL SOCIOLOGICAL THING-A-MA-JIG THAT WAS PROBABLY AS EFFECTIVE AS ANY NON-INTIMACY COLLECTION OF PEOPLE CAN BE...BUT THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER IS...ONLY IN TRUST AND AUTHENTIC RELATIONSHIPS...CAN REALITY BE BROUGHT DOWN HERE TO PLANET EARTH .
NOW HERE IS THE QUESTION...WAS IT STUMBLING UPON THE SECRET OF REAL MINISTRY THAT CONJURED UP LITERALLY THREE YEARS OF EVIL ??? OR DID ALL THIS SHIT JUST FUCKING HAPPEN BECAUSE THE POWERS THAT BE HAD NOTHING BETTER TO DO ???
CHAPTER 115...DARK AND DARKER
FIRST THERE WAS A PREMONITION...THEN THREE DEATHS IN THREE MONTHS...THEN THE FUCKING BLOOD SUCKERS STUCK TO ME LIKE A BAD SMELL TO A SASQUATCH WITH SHIT ON HIS FUR.
IN A PERIOD OF THREE YEARS...I WOULD BE ATTACKED JUST ABOUT 300 TIMES...SOMETIMES IN THE MORNING...SOMETIMES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT... SOMETIMES. I WOULD BE COMPLETELY AWAKE .
THERE WERE ABOUT SIX EVIL SPIRITS , AS FAR AS I COULD TELL...ONE FELT LIKE A SLUG...IT SEEMED TO HAVE NO OR VERY LITTLE INTELLIGENCE...IT WAS LIKE HE WAS HUMAN WITH A SEVERE SLIME PROBLEM...ONE SEEMED TO CALCULATE ITS MOVES AND REMIND ME OF EVERYTHING THAT WENT TO SHIT...EVERY FUCKING MISTAKE I EVER MADE...I REMEMBER WHEN IT ALL BEGAN TO GO DOWN...I COULD BARELY OPEN MY MOUTH...BUT I FINALLY MANAGED TO ASK IT A QUESTION : " WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS ??? "...THE REPLY...: " IT IS YOUR HEAD...IT SMELLS SO HEAVENLY "...THEN THE LITTLE PRICK LAUGHED LIKE STEVE MARTIN JUST PISSED ON HIS TICKLE BONE .
...THEN , AS ABRUPTLY AS IT HAPPENED...IT WAS OVER...THE NIGHTS WERE AS QUIET AS DOG FOOD...BEGGING TO BE RELEASED FROM THE CAN .
IN A PERIOD OF THREE YEARS...I WOULD BE ATTACKED JUST ABOUT 300 TIMES...SOMETIMES IN THE MORNING...SOMETIMES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT... SOMETIMES. I WOULD BE COMPLETELY AWAKE .
THERE WERE ABOUT SIX EVIL SPIRITS , AS FAR AS I COULD TELL...ONE FELT LIKE A SLUG...IT SEEMED TO HAVE NO OR VERY LITTLE INTELLIGENCE...IT WAS LIKE HE WAS HUMAN WITH A SEVERE SLIME PROBLEM...ONE SEEMED TO CALCULATE ITS MOVES AND REMIND ME OF EVERYTHING THAT WENT TO SHIT...EVERY FUCKING MISTAKE I EVER MADE...I REMEMBER WHEN IT ALL BEGAN TO GO DOWN...I COULD BARELY OPEN MY MOUTH...BUT I FINALLY MANAGED TO ASK IT A QUESTION : " WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS ??? "...THE REPLY...: " IT IS YOUR HEAD...IT SMELLS SO HEAVENLY "...THEN THE LITTLE PRICK LAUGHED LIKE STEVE MARTIN JUST PISSED ON HIS TICKLE BONE .
...THEN , AS ABRUPTLY AS IT HAPPENED...IT WAS OVER...THE NIGHTS WERE AS QUIET AS DOG FOOD...BEGGING TO BE RELEASED FROM THE CAN .
CHAPTER 116...STRANGE
EVERY TIME I WOULD HAVE AN ALTERCATION WITH ONE OF THESE LITTLE FUCKERS...I WOULD BE STRONGER THAN THE TIME BEFORE...LIKE , FOR EXAMPLE...INSTEAD OF BARELY BEING ABLE TO RAISE MY HEAD...I WOULD TELL IT TO "FUCK -OFF"...AND IT WOULD , INDEED , FUCK -OFF.
THING IS...THIS NEVER TRANSLATED INTO EMOTIONAL WHOLENESS...YOU WOULD THINK IT WOULD , WOULDN'T YOU ??? WHY ELSE WOULD I GO THROUGH THAT KIND OF SHIT...I MEAN...I DID GROW...BECOME MORE WHOLE...BUT 300 BATTLES WITH THE DEMONIC...I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT MY PENIS WOULD HAVE GROWN AT LEAST AN EXTRA TWO INCHES .
RIGHT ???
THING IS...THIS NEVER TRANSLATED INTO EMOTIONAL WHOLENESS...YOU WOULD THINK IT WOULD , WOULDN'T YOU ??? WHY ELSE WOULD I GO THROUGH THAT KIND OF SHIT...I MEAN...I DID GROW...BECOME MORE WHOLE...BUT 300 BATTLES WITH THE DEMONIC...I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT MY PENIS WOULD HAVE GROWN AT LEAST AN EXTRA TWO INCHES .
RIGHT ???
CHAPTER 117...DUCKS ARE NICE
IF YOU HAVE EVER HAD A SMOKE...YOU PROBABLY HAVE REALIZED THAT THE MORE YOU PUFF ON IT...THE SMALLER IT GETS...THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF A PENIS...YOU KNOW...SORTA .
SOMETIME IN 2007 , OR EARLY 2008...THE CIGARETTE OF DEMONIC ACTIVITY WAS , AT LEAST TEMPERATELY...ALL PUFFED OUT...THE SKY'S TURNED BLUE...THE WAVES WERE AS STILL AS AN ORANGE DRINK ON THE KITCHEN TABLE...AND I WAS READY FOR SOMETHING NEW .
DUCKS ARE NICE !!!
SOMETIME IN 2007 , OR EARLY 2008...THE CIGARETTE OF DEMONIC ACTIVITY WAS , AT LEAST TEMPERATELY...ALL PUFFED OUT...THE SKY'S TURNED BLUE...THE WAVES WERE AS STILL AS AN ORANGE DRINK ON THE KITCHEN TABLE...AND I WAS READY FOR SOMETHING NEW .
DUCKS ARE NICE !!!
CHAPTER 118...A FIST FULL OF DUCKERS
DID YOU EVER ACTUALLY TOUCH GOD ??? IF YOU HAVE...YOU KNOW IT IS QUITE A FEELING...BUT WHAT FEELS EVEN MORE WONDERFUL...IS WHEN HE PERSONALLY FUCKS AROUND WITH THE LAWS OF PHYSICS JUST FOR YOU...SORTA .
WE HAD OUR SATURDAY NIGHT GATHERING AT MY PLACE...LIKE THE SATURDAY BEFORE AND THE ONE BEFORE THAT...THERE WERE NO COWS OR OTHER BARN ANIMALS...WE DID OUR COMMUNITY THING...IT SEEMED LIFE CHANGING , ACTUALLY...PROFOUND...SUPERNATURAL..."BETTER THAN CATS "...THING IS...WHEN I CHECKED THE OFFERING...THERE WAS HARDLY ANYTHING THERE .
THIS WAS WEIRD...I KNOW WHO GIVES AND WHO GIVES WHAT...I MAKE A JOKE ABOUT IT WITH MY FRIEND..."MAYBE IT IS UP MY DUCK'S ASS ??? "...( I HAVE A STUFFED ANIMAL DUCK ) .
JUST FOR THE SHIT OF IT...I GRAB MY DUCK AND HAVE A PEAKY -BOO UP HIS RECTUM...AND...DO YOU WANT TO HEAR SOMETHING EVEN WEIRDER ???
WE HAD OUR SATURDAY NIGHT GATHERING AT MY PLACE...LIKE THE SATURDAY BEFORE AND THE ONE BEFORE THAT...THERE WERE NO COWS OR OTHER BARN ANIMALS...WE DID OUR COMMUNITY THING...IT SEEMED LIFE CHANGING , ACTUALLY...PROFOUND...SUPERNATURAL..."BETTER THAN CATS "...THING IS...WHEN I CHECKED THE OFFERING...THERE WAS HARDLY ANYTHING THERE .
THIS WAS WEIRD...I KNOW WHO GIVES AND WHO GIVES WHAT...I MAKE A JOKE ABOUT IT WITH MY FRIEND..."MAYBE IT IS UP MY DUCK'S ASS ??? "...( I HAVE A STUFFED ANIMAL DUCK ) .
JUST FOR THE SHIT OF IT...I GRAB MY DUCK AND HAVE A PEAKY -BOO UP HIS RECTUM...AND...DO YOU WANT TO HEAR SOMETHING EVEN WEIRDER ???
CHAPTER 119...THE MAGIC HAT
THEN THERE WAS "THE MAGIC HAT "...I LEFT MY RUNNING HAT ( THE HAT DOESN'T ACTUALLY RUN...WHAT I MEAN IS THAT I WEAR IT WHEN I AM JOGGING )...BACK AT HOME...AND HAD NO SUCH COMFORT FOR THE RETREAT...A VOICE SAYS TO ME TO TAKE ONE MORE LOOK...AND I DO...AND THERE IT IS...COMPLETE WITH ROAD RUNNER WITH COYOTE STICKING IT TO HER ON THE TOP .
BUT YOU ARE THINKING THAT IT WAS PROBABLY BURIED UNDER MY POCKET PUSSY OR SOMETHING , RIGHT ??? WRONG !!! HERE IS WHY : COME THE END OF THE FIVE DAY RETREAT...I GO TO PUT MY HAT BACK INTO THE SUITCASE...AND THERE IT WAS...GONE !!!
...AND WHEN I GET HOME... IT WAS RIGHT ON THE TABLE WHERE I LEFT IT...ALL THOSE MILLIONS OF SECONDS AGO .
BUT YOU ARE THINKING THAT IT WAS PROBABLY BURIED UNDER MY POCKET PUSSY OR SOMETHING , RIGHT ??? WRONG !!! HERE IS WHY : COME THE END OF THE FIVE DAY RETREAT...I GO TO PUT MY HAT BACK INTO THE SUITCASE...AND THERE IT WAS...GONE !!!
...AND WHEN I GET HOME... IT WAS RIGHT ON THE TABLE WHERE I LEFT IT...ALL THOSE MILLIONS OF SECONDS AGO .
INTERLUDE : )
IF YOU CARE WHAT HAPPENED TO ME IN AUSTRALIA...READ..."ME AND DRINKY"...IT IS ON LINE FOR FREE...JUST GO TO "FLARMOLOGY " .
CHAPTER 120...I DON'T WANT TO BORE YOU
DURING MY 2008 TO 2010 PERIOD...I MUST HAVE HAD 50 OR SO SUCH EVENTS HAPPEN TO ME...IT WAS LIKE A SPIRITUAL TIDE HAD RISEN...AND I WAS SITTING ON THE SAND...THE SALT WATER JUST BELOW MY NOSE...THE BREAKING WAVES SNAPPING BY MY EARS .
I DON'T WANT TO BORE THE SHIT OUT OF YOU...SO JUST ONE MORE SHORT STORY OF THE UNIVERSE BEING READJUSTED AND RE-MOLDED TO PARTIALLY FIT THE SHAPE OF A HEART...( OR WHATEVER IN THE FUCK WAS GOING ON ).
I KEPT ON FINDING DIMES AT THIS SAME EXACT LOCATION...THAT WAS STRANGE...BUT INTUITIVELY I THOUGHT IF I EVER FLIPPED ONE OF THE FUCKERS IN THE AIR...THINGS WOULD GET EVEN STRANGER STILL...SO I DID...AND SO DID THEY .
UNTIL I ACCIDENTALLY STUMBLED UPON IT IN A BOOK...IT MEANT NOTHING TO ME...BUT THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS...THE ODDS OF FLIPPING A COIN AND HAVING IT LAND ON ITS SIDE...ARE ABOUT THE SAME ODDS OF YOU MASTURBATING IN DOWNTOWN BOSTON...AND IMPREGNATING PAUL MCCARTNEY'S SECOND FLOOR MAID ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD...NOT VERY GOOD .
I DON'T WANT TO BORE THE SHIT OUT OF YOU...SO JUST ONE MORE SHORT STORY OF THE UNIVERSE BEING READJUSTED AND RE-MOLDED TO PARTIALLY FIT THE SHAPE OF A HEART...( OR WHATEVER IN THE FUCK WAS GOING ON ).
I KEPT ON FINDING DIMES AT THIS SAME EXACT LOCATION...THAT WAS STRANGE...BUT INTUITIVELY I THOUGHT IF I EVER FLIPPED ONE OF THE FUCKERS IN THE AIR...THINGS WOULD GET EVEN STRANGER STILL...SO I DID...AND SO DID THEY .
UNTIL I ACCIDENTALLY STUMBLED UPON IT IN A BOOK...IT MEANT NOTHING TO ME...BUT THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS...THE ODDS OF FLIPPING A COIN AND HAVING IT LAND ON ITS SIDE...ARE ABOUT THE SAME ODDS OF YOU MASTURBATING IN DOWNTOWN BOSTON...AND IMPREGNATING PAUL MCCARTNEY'S SECOND FLOOR MAID ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD...NOT VERY GOOD .
CHAPTER 121...THE RIDE TO THE CABIN
IT IS AUGUST 2008...I AM DRIVING TO A CABIN IN THE WOODS FOR A FEW DAYS OF RELAXATION...THE SKY LOOKS LIKE THE GREEK GOD FESTUS...GOD OF RAGING ALCOHOLISM AND RETARDED SHIT...I PULL OVER TO THE SIDE...IT IS JUST TOO FUCKING CRAZY TO CONTINUE...SO I PUT THE CHAIR BACK AND LISTEN TO GLEN CAMPBELL UNTIL THE RAIN DECIDES TO TAKE A PILL .
CHAPTER 122...WHILE THE CAR IS STOPPED
GET THIS ONE...IN A FEW YEARS TIME AFTER MY LITTLE GET DRUNK , MAKE FUN OF SQUIRRELS AND LISTEN TO "THE BEATLES" TRIP...MY FRIEND , THE CARPENTER , JON...WILL HAVE HAD TWO BOXES OF NAILS LIBERATED FROM HIS...JON'S..."NAILS ARE AMAZING" COLLECTION... ONE BOX...THREE AND A HALF INCH , GALVANIZED , SPIRAL...AND THE OTHER...TWO AND A HALF INCH , GALVANIZED , SPIRAL...MEANWHILE , ON THE OTHER SIDE OF TOWN...I WILL HAVE FOUND TWO BOXES OF NAILS MATCHING EXACTLY THAT DESCRIPTION...NO SHIT...PERFECT ORDER IN THE FUCKALY -DUC -DUC...TOILET BOWL OF LIFE .
...THE RAIN STILL THUNDERS THE GROUND LIKE A DINGO , A BABY CHILD IN THE WILDERNESS OF THE UNIVERSE...
...THEN IT STOPS...THERE IS SOMETHING WEIRD GOING ON...AND I JUST HOPE IT GETS WEIRDER .
...THE RAIN STILL THUNDERS THE GROUND LIKE A DINGO , A BABY CHILD IN THE WILDERNESS OF THE UNIVERSE...
...THEN IT STOPS...THERE IS SOMETHING WEIRD GOING ON...AND I JUST HOPE IT GETS WEIRDER .
Tuesday, November 17, 2015
CHAPTER 123...BE DONE SOON...
I ARRIVE...I LOVE THIS FUCKING PLACE...IT IS THE CREAM PIE CAPITAL OF THE UNIVERSE...WHEN I EAT THEIR BANANA CREAM...THE BANANA'S ARE NOT NEARLY AS HARD AS MY COCK...I SPEND ALL DAY HIKING...SPEND ALL NIGHT DRINKING IN THE TUB...
I AM PLAYING THE COOPER BROTHERS...( IF YOU ARE MY AGE...YOU JUST MIGHT REMEMBER...YOU KNOW..."I WILL KNOW HER WHEN I SEE HER "...ANYWAY , I SIP MY DRINK...I AM REASONABLY CONVINCED SOME SPACE MONKEY OR ANOTHER IS JUST OUTSIDE MY BATHROOM DOOR...I CANNOT SEE HIM...BUT I FEEL HIM MORE VIVIDLY THAN I FELT ANYONE OR ANYTHING IN MY LIFE...I FEEL THAT SOMETHING IS BEING IMPARTED TO ME...IT IS THE FIRST TIME THAT I FELT REAL HAPPINESS SENSE THAT UNSPEAKABLE THING HAPPENED TO ME IN 1994...( I GUESS THAT ELIMINATES PSYCHOSIS ) .
THE CHAMBERMAID WALKS IN WHILE I AM NAKED...SHE DOESN'T SEEM TO GIVE A FUCK...WEIRD...I SHAKES ME TITTIES IN HER GENERAL DIRECTION...PACK MY GEAR AND DRIVE AWAY .
I AM PLAYING THE COOPER BROTHERS...( IF YOU ARE MY AGE...YOU JUST MIGHT REMEMBER...YOU KNOW..."I WILL KNOW HER WHEN I SEE HER "...ANYWAY , I SIP MY DRINK...I AM REASONABLY CONVINCED SOME SPACE MONKEY OR ANOTHER IS JUST OUTSIDE MY BATHROOM DOOR...I CANNOT SEE HIM...BUT I FEEL HIM MORE VIVIDLY THAN I FELT ANYONE OR ANYTHING IN MY LIFE...I FEEL THAT SOMETHING IS BEING IMPARTED TO ME...IT IS THE FIRST TIME THAT I FELT REAL HAPPINESS SENSE THAT UNSPEAKABLE THING HAPPENED TO ME IN 1994...( I GUESS THAT ELIMINATES PSYCHOSIS ) .
THE CHAMBERMAID WALKS IN WHILE I AM NAKED...SHE DOESN'T SEEM TO GIVE A FUCK...WEIRD...I SHAKES ME TITTIES IN HER GENERAL DIRECTION...PACK MY GEAR AND DRIVE AWAY .
CHAPTER ...FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL
THERE I AM...WALKING TO SCHOOL WITH MY LITTLE RED BAG ON MY BACK ..." HI , MR. MAIL MAN !!! BEAUTIFUL FUCKING DAY " HE GIVES ME A TOKE AND I CONTINUE DOWN THE PATH .
Monday, August 31, 2015
CHAPTER 124...THE SECOND LAST
FOR THREE MONTHS I FEEL I AM BEING FOLLOWED...BUT NOT SO MUCH FOLLOWED AS EMBRACED ...I HUNG OUT WITH A BEAR ONCE...BACK IN 1993...I T WAS THE SAME WEEK MY COMMUNITY SENT ME AWAY TO BE EXPOSED TO THE UNIVERSE , AND HOW MANY EJACULATIONS IT TOOK TO PUT OUT A PLANET...I SLUNG MY INTEGRITY OVER MY SHOULDER AND LIT UP A CIGAR...JUST TO KEEP THE REPTILES AWAY ...OH , THOSE AMAZING REPTILES.
I WAS IN THE BATH TUB..."THE BEATLES" WERE PLAYING...MAYBE , I FORGET...THEN IT HAPPENED...JUST LIKE I KNEW IT WOULD...THE GUY BEHIND HIM WAS WHAT FUCKED ME UP...IF YOU HAVE EVER SEEN SOMEONE BIGGER THAN THE UNIVERSE , YOU WILL KNOW WHAT I MEAN...BUT IT WAS THE GUY SMILING AT ME THAT TOOK ME TO ANOTHER PLACE IN SPACE AND TIME...WITHIN MINUTES , I WOULD LEARN WHERE I GOT MY SENSE OF HUMOR...HE SAID TO ME..." HI , STU...MY NAME IS GABRIEL...HOPE YOU ARE O .K . WITH THIS ???"
AND IN THE WORDS OF HUNTER . S THOMPSON..." IT STILL HASN'T GOT WEIRD ENOUGH FOR ME" .
I WAS IN THE BATH TUB..."THE BEATLES" WERE PLAYING...MAYBE , I FORGET...THEN IT HAPPENED...JUST LIKE I KNEW IT WOULD...THE GUY BEHIND HIM WAS WHAT FUCKED ME UP...IF YOU HAVE EVER SEEN SOMEONE BIGGER THAN THE UNIVERSE , YOU WILL KNOW WHAT I MEAN...BUT IT WAS THE GUY SMILING AT ME THAT TOOK ME TO ANOTHER PLACE IN SPACE AND TIME...WITHIN MINUTES , I WOULD LEARN WHERE I GOT MY SENSE OF HUMOR...HE SAID TO ME..." HI , STU...MY NAME IS GABRIEL...HOPE YOU ARE O .K . WITH THIS ???"
AND IN THE WORDS OF HUNTER . S THOMPSON..." IT STILL HASN'T GOT WEIRD ENOUGH FOR ME" .
CHAPTER 125...THE END
FIGURING OUT SHIT FROM ANOTHER DIMENSION IS NOT THE EASIEST THING TO DO...BUT FROM ME PERSPECTIVE...THE 12 YEAR OLD BOY AT THE FERRY TERMINAL...THE MAN DOWN AT THE WHARF...THE DUDE IN THE HONG KONG AIRPORT... THE GUY WITH THE LEONARD EVANS CASSETTE TAPES...THEY ARE PROBABLY ALL THE SAME BEING .
MAYBE I AM PROJECTING MORE OF MY SHIT ON THIS THAN I FIGURE...BUT I DO KNOW THIS...FOR THREE YEARS...I HAD PERPETUAL VISITATIONS FROM TWO ANGELIC BEINGS WHO BROUGHT A CLARITY TO MY MIND AND SOUL THAT I NEVER HAD BEFORE .
AS FOR BIGFOOT ??? AS WE DRIVE AWAY FROM OUR CAMPING TRIP... OUR LITTLE HOME FROM HOME IN THE MIDST OF MOTHER NATURES VAGINA...I CAN QUITE CLEARLY SEE BIGFOOT ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD...WELL...KINDA...ACTUALLY , IT IS A THREE YEAR OLD IN A MONKEY SUIT...BUT , CONSIDERING ALL THE OTHER PSYCHEDELIC STUFF I EXPECT YOU TO BELIEVE...MAYBE THAT SHOULD BE CLOSE ENOUGH .
...THE END
MAYBE I AM PROJECTING MORE OF MY SHIT ON THIS THAN I FIGURE...BUT I DO KNOW THIS...FOR THREE YEARS...I HAD PERPETUAL VISITATIONS FROM TWO ANGELIC BEINGS WHO BROUGHT A CLARITY TO MY MIND AND SOUL THAT I NEVER HAD BEFORE .
AS FOR BIGFOOT ??? AS WE DRIVE AWAY FROM OUR CAMPING TRIP... OUR LITTLE HOME FROM HOME IN THE MIDST OF MOTHER NATURES VAGINA...I CAN QUITE CLEARLY SEE BIGFOOT ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD...WELL...KINDA...ACTUALLY , IT IS A THREE YEAR OLD IN A MONKEY SUIT...BUT , CONSIDERING ALL THE OTHER PSYCHEDELIC STUFF I EXPECT YOU TO BELIEVE...MAYBE THAT SHOULD BE CLOSE ENOUGH .
...THE END
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